Gotham Through the Ages, Part II
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Second in a series of three stories which transports familiar characters into different historical settings, exploring their relationships throughout the centuries and if anything ever changes. This time, a swashbuckling tale of the high seas and how Gotham City fares during the Golden Age of Piracy.
1. Chapter 1

**Gotham Through the Ages, Part II**

**Gotham City – 1718**

Harleen Quinzel looked out the window at the open ocean longingly, fanning herself to aid the salty breeze, which did little to relieve the heat. It was a scorching day in midsummer, the hottest day anyone could remember, and she was sitting packed into a corset and stuck indoors, forced to listen to a harpsichord concert. She longed to be outside, racing along the beach, skirts flying, hair loose, corset-free, not packed in here suffocating like a fish out of water…

She was elbowed suddenly by her mother, and realized that everyone else was standing up and applauding. Harleen joined them hastily – her mind had been wandering so much she hadn't even realized the concert was at an end. She had been warned about daydreaming like that before, and would no doubt receive a lecture from her mother later.

"Thank you so much for honoring us with that splendid entertainment, Mr. Wayne!" said Harleen's father, shaking the musician's hand as he stood up to take a bow. "You have such musical talent!"

"A modest hobby of mine, Mr. Quinzel – certainly nothing to brag about," corrected Bruce Wayne, with a charming smile. Most women thought he was very handsome – Harleen looked around to see the fawning, adoring, ridiculous expressions on every other young woman in the room and rolled her eyes as they all raced to thank him for the concert, competing for his attention like so many squawking peacocks…

"You should join them, Harleen!" hissed her mother.

"Thank you, no, Mother," she retorted. "I have no desire to make a spectacle of myself."

"And how else, pray tell, do you intend to find a husband, if not by making a spectacle of yourself?" retorted her mother. "Do you think men hunt for wives between the covers of books?"

Harleen did not respond, but rather headed over to the window seat, settling herself by the cool breeze. She reached underneath the cushion and removed the book she had been reading earlier, before her mother had raced in telling her to dress up in her finery because Bruce Wayne was coming to give a concert. She would probably get lectured for reading later – she always did. But better a lecture than making small talk with tedious people, she reasoned, opening the novel again.

"Excuse me, Miss Quinzel?" said a voice. She looked up, surprised, to see Bruce Wayne smiling at her.

"Mr…Wayne," she stammered.

"May I join you?" he asked, gesturing to the window seat.

"Yes, yes, of course, please do," she said. "Forgive me, I was just…reading," she said, trying to hide the book again.

"May I ask what?" he said.

She nodded, handing the book to him. "_Tales of Piracy and Romance_," he read. "I must confess, I don't often think of those two words combining."

"Romance as in adventure rather than…love stories," explained Harleen. "I believe piracy and adventure often go together."

"In my experience, one should never confuse adventure with danger," replied Bruce. "But I confess I have no interest in piracy or adventure myself – I find both of those ideas abhorrent. Why anyone would put murderers, thieves, and brigands on an idealistic pedestal, I haven't the foggiest idea."

"No," agreed Harleen. "No, nor have I…but what about this mysterious privateer who's been rumored to be sailing near Gotham's shores?"

"You mean the so-called Batman?" laughed Bruce Wayne. "It seems this city can talk of little else!"

"Well, to appear so suddenly like that, out of the blue, and to protect Gotham's shores in their darkest hour, when it is assailed by all sorts of ruffians…it's very heroic," finished Harleen.

"If you say so, Miss Quinzel," replied Bruce. "Heroism and foolishness also often go together, in my experience."

"I think he must be a very brave man," said Harleen.

"Or a very mad one!" laughed Bruce.

"Well, at least he's doing something to keep this city safe, as a man should," retorted Harleen. "But then I imagine he's not nearly so proficient on the harpsichord as you, Mr. Wayne."

Bruce smiled. "It's not every woman who personally attacks me during conversations," he said. "I quite enjoy the experience, Miss Quinzel, if you'll permit me to say so. It makes a pleasant change from my gaggle of female admirers."

"Well, a man as wealthy as yourself, Mr. Wayne, I'm afraid much suffer through such trials," retorted Harleen. "Women are taught that their only ambition in life is to land a rich husband, and so consequently rich husbands are very highly sought after."

"And is landing a rich husband not your ambition, Miss Quinzel?" asked Bruce.

"It is my mother's," agreed Harleen. "But I confess to wishing for more out of life."

"Such as?" asked Bruce.

Harleen shrugged. "Perhaps adventure, Mr. Wayne, as abhorrent as it might sound to you. Perhaps I wish to live the kind of life that I can only ever read about in books. I daresay you would call that mad too."

"I would call it charming," replied Bruce. "As you yourself are, Miss Quinzel. Quite charming," he said, lifting her hand to his lips and kissing it. "I shall leave you to your book."

The moment he left, Mrs. Quinzel joined her daughter, her eyes bright. "Well? What did you and Mr. Wayne discuss?"

"Madness," she retorted. "And the Batman. Though he believes the two are synonymous."

Mrs. Quinzel looked annoyed. "Honestly, Harleen, that is not the kind of conversation that encourages a man to propose!"

"I have no wish for him to propose, Mother," retorted Harleen. "I have no wish to marry that idle philanderer with more looks than brains. We should have run out of conversation before the honeymoon, and our married life would consequently be very dull indeed."

"This is not a joke, Harleen!" snapped Mrs. Quinzel. "And I do wish you'd take it seriously for once! You are twenty-seven years old – you won't be of marriageable age much longer! No man wants a wife too old to bear him any children! You must get your head out of those silly storybooks and hook a man! You don't want to end up an old maid, with no one to provide for you! Your looks will not last forever, and the more you read, the more they fade! Novels rot your mind and your youth – give them up for goodness sake and focus on something important!"

She took the book from Harleen's hands and stormed off. Harleen glared after her, and then sighed, turning her attention out the window again to the ocean beyond.

The port of Gotham City was as yet a comparatively small one, but a highly wealthy one. Its location on the coast of the American colonies made it a thriving trading hub for goods from both the Caribbean and Europe. It also made it an attractive target for raiders, smugglers, and pirates. There was as yet no law enforcement in Gotham, and so its citizens were primarily helpless against these invaders, until a few months ago when the mysterious Batman had appeared in Gotham's waters.

He claimed to be a privateer, handing criminals over to the crown but taking no payment for his pains. The flag of his ship was of a man with bat wings, hence the name, and he wore a black mask so that no one ever knew what his real identity was. But his appearance had caused a stir in the city, and its inhabitants constantly gossiped and speculated about who he could be. He was like a hero of romance come to life, come to save the people of Gotham from the criminals who plagued it.

Harleen and her family had arrived in Gotham City from England when Harleen was a child – her father was a merchant looking to increase his profits by setting up shop in Gotham. And increase them he had – George Quinzel was now one of the most prominent and respected citizens of Gotham, and his daughter would come with quite a dowry to whomever could win her hand.

Unfortunately for any fortune-seeking men, Harleen had no interest in giving her hand to anyone, preferring to spend her days reading or outside in the fresh sea air, alone with her thoughts and dreams. She would often take off her shoes and stockings, a scandalous gesture if anyone were to see, wade into the shallow waters of the coast, and just stand there, letting the waves wash over her ankles and imagining the distant lands that lay beyond the ocean, that she had only ever read about in books, and likely only ever would.

Her mother was at her wit's end to see her married off, and had begun pressuring her father to keep inviting young, eligible men to the house, hence Bruce Wayne's impromptu concert today. And while Harleen didn't enjoy causing her mother or her father unnecessary consternation, she also simply could not force herself to be interested in proposals of marriage. Certainly not from men like Bruce Wayne anyway, she thought.

But then the kind of man she wanted didn't really exist, except in her books. Or if he did, she had certainly seen no evidence of it from the young men of Gotham City, she thought gloomily. She read tales about charming rogues, men of witty conversation and masculine wiles, who could fence and fight, with an element of swashbuckling danger and passionate romance. She had never encountered anyone like that in real life, so she assumed they must exist only in works of fiction. Which was a shame, because she honestly believed that such was the only kind of man she could ever give her heart and her hand to. So she would probably end up an old maid, she thought resignedly, but that was better than marrying some rich idiot. At least she would always have the man of her dreams in her head.

And she was about to meet him in the flesh very soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Harleen watched the sun setting slowly around her, staining the waves red and gold as they gathered around her ankles. It was already dark over the water as the gulls circled overhead, cawing over the last of the daylight, and she supposed she had better get inside, she thought with a sigh. She had been lectured about staying out after dark – an unaccompanied young lady shouldn't be going out alone in the daylight, but especially shouldn't be seen around at night. People would get the wrong impression.

She trudged back to the shore, wringing the water out of her skirts and slipping on her shoes and stockings. She then headed away from the beach, back toward the cobbled streets of the city. The town was silent and calm, but a strange calm, like the foreboding serenity just before the break of a storm. The wind prickled the back of Harleen's neck, and she reasoned she was just chilled from the water. She glanced back once at the open ocean before the city hid it from sight, and then did a double take.

There was a white dot on the horizon. A sail. A sail was not unusual in Gotham's waters, but a sail after dark meant that trouble was coming.

Harleen picked up her skirts, racing toward the town's church. She banged on the door and it was thrown open by the priest. "Miss Quinzel, what is it?" he asked, stunned.

"Ring the bell!" she gasped. "Pirates!"

"God in heaven, are you certain?" he demanded, beckoning her inside and then hastening toward the bell tower.

"I wouldn't send the city into a panic over a flight of fancy!" she snapped. "The watch will see the sail any minute, but every second counts!"

"Quite right," agreed the priest, grabbing the bell rope and pulling frantically. "Captain Gordon will need to assemble the militia, and hurry! It's our only hope in case of a raid!"

"What about the Batman?" asked Harleen.

"We can pray for him, my child," replied the priest. "And I hope to God our prayers will be answered."

They suddenly heard the firing of cannons from the harbor as chaos began to descend outside at the sound of the warning bell. Harleen already heard panicking and screaming from the streets, and she doubted the pirate ship had even made it to port yet.

"You'll need to stay here until it's over," said the priest, firmly. "You've no chance of making it back safely through those streets before the raiders descend. Hide in the confessional," he said, pulling her over. "And don't make a sound."

"What are you going to do?" asked Harleen, concerned.

"Pray," he said, gravely. "That's all we can do."

He shut the doors to the confessional, concealing Harleen inside. She waited in the darkness, small streams of light penetrating through the screen where she could look out and see the deserted church. Her heart was racing in fear and panic and…excitement, she realized.

Suddenly, the door was kicked open, and two burly, rough-looking men strode into the church. "I'm telling you, Jerry, this is a bad idea!" snapped one of the men. "There's no loot in a church! Religion's all about charity and giving to the less fortunate…"

"Hey, _we're _the less fortunate, Rocco!" retorted the other man, looking around. "So we should help ourselves to whatever's in here."

"Which is nothing, because it's all been given away!" snapped the first man. "They don't keep gold and jewels and valuables in a building that's always open to the public…"

"It's the last place you'd look for 'em, ain't it?" retorted the other one. "And that's why it's the safest. Just help me look around. There's gotta be something here…"

"I hope there is, because if we come back to the ship empty-handed, the captain ain't gonna be happy," snapped the other man. "And you know what happens when the Joker ain't happy."

Harleen covered her mouth to conceal her gasp of horror. The Joker was the worst of all the pirates who terrorized Gotham – his name was only ever spoken in whispers and hushed tones. The stories told about him were all full of cruelty and depravity, for no other reason than that cruelty and depravity amused him.

"What do you seek here, my sons?" asked the priest, entering the room at that moment.

"Gold," retorted Jerry. "Treasure. Valuables. Where do you keep 'em, old man?"

"We have no material wealth here – merely the spiritual wealth of our Lord Jesus Christ…"

"Yeah, yeah, a likely story," said Jerry, drawing his weapon. "C'mon, you gotta have a tidy little sum tucked away here for your old age. Where do you keep it?"

"I have nothing, my sons, except the word of the Lord, who begs that you turn from the path of sin…"

"Tell him no thanks for us when you see him," snapped Jerry, raising his sword.

"Jerry, no, you can't kill a priest!" shouted Rocco, shoving his arm away.

"Why not?" demanded Jerry. "Hate to break it to you, Rocco, but we're already both going to Hell."

"You don't have to make it worse!" snapped Rocco. "There are like nine circles in Hell, y'know! And killing a priest is one of the worst things you can ever do – it'll probably put you in the same circle of Hell as the captain! And do you really wanna spend eternity with him?!"

This seemed to sway Jerry a bit, but he still glared at the priest. "If you don't show us where the gold is, I'm gonna cut off your fingers one by one. Mutilating a priest ain't gonna put me in the same circle as J, is it?" he demanded of Rocco.

"I dunno," said Rocco, shrugging. "I guess not."

"Perfect," said Jerry, grabbing the priest's arm. "So tell me, where's the treasure?"

"I have told you the truth, there is no treasure…" began the priest.

"Wrong answer," interrupted Jerry, raising his sword.

Harleen was unable to control herself, and screamed, "No!" just as Jerry was about to bring the sword down. He froze, his eyes fixing on the confessional, and then stormed over to it, wrenching the door open and coming face to face with Harleen.

He smiled. "Well, it ain't treasure, but it ain't bad!" he laughed, grabbing her arm and dragging her out of the confessional. Harleen struggled against him, but his grip was firm. "Come to tell the priest you've committed some bad sins, huh, darling? Anything you wanna share?" he asked, pulling her close.

Harleen kneed him in the groin and he released her, gasping in pain. "You little bitch!" he roared, racing after her as she pelted toward the door. They both reached it at the same time, and Jerry slammed the door shut, glaring at her.

"You're gonna pay for that, darling," he hissed, grabbing her and shoving her down on one of the pews. "You're gonna pay for that right now!"

"Jerry, no, you can't do that to her in a church!" shouted Rocco, pulling his friend back.

"I can't do anything in a church, can I?!" roared Jerry. "Can't rob or rape or kill…what's the point of them?!"

They heard a ship's whistle at that moment, and both paled. "C'mon, Jerry, we gotta get back!" pleaded Rocco. "The captain's gonna leave without us!"

"We can't go back to him empty-handed!" shouted Jerry. "He'll hang us from the highest yard-arm!"

And both of their eyes suddenly fell on Harleen. "She'll do!" exclaimed Jerry, suddenly. "She's a prize, ain't she?"

"But the captain's never taken hostages before…" began Rocco.

"She ain't a hostage – she's a treasure!" exclaimed Jerry, hauling her to her feet. "All young and pretty and innocent-looking – the captain's sure to find some way to amuse himself with her, right? Even if it's just the pleasure of cutting up her pretty face! That'll be worth a small fortune to him!"

"I dunno, Jerry…" began Rocco.

"Do you have a better idea?!" roared Jerry. "Or do you honestly wanna go back to the captain with nothing?!"

Rocco shook his head. "All right, c'mon," he said, grabbing Harleen's arm. "Hurry up. And keep your hands off her, Jerry - we gotta keep the captain's treasure unspoiled."

"No, my sons, I beg you, have mercy!" cried the priest. "Spare the innocent child from unendurable horror…"

"Oh, shut up!" roared Jerry, punching the priest and knocking him to the ground. "How many circles of hell do you think I'll get for hitting a priest?" he asked Rocco as they left the church, dragging a struggling and screaming Harleen behind them.

"I dunno," replied Rocco. "But probably not as many as the captain. You'd have to do some pretty horrible things to end up in the same circle as the captain."

A shiver of terror chilled Harleen's spine at this, at the thought that she would soon be completely in this horrible man's power, and her panic, which was already uncontrollable, seemed to increase tenfold. But the men were strong and there was no chance of her breaking free of them as they dragged her out to the harbor and toward the waiting ship, huge and dark and looming. The black flag flying from the top mast displayed a white skull and crossed bones with a huge, horrible grin and mocking red lips.

She was dragged aboard the ship, along with a few other pirate stragglers, and then the gangplank was raised and the anchor cast off. Harleen watched her home growing farther and farther away in the distance, and the slow horrible realization overcame her: she was alone, trapped on a ship with a band of murdering, bloodthirsty pirates, and their devil of a captain. This was not the kind of adventure she had wanted.


	3. Chapter 3

The call of a ship's whistle startled her out of her horrifying thoughts. "All right, boys – show me the money!" chuckled a voice from the top deck. "Let's see what we got!"

Harleen looked up to see a figure standing on the top deck by the ship's wheel, a figure who could only be the captain, judging from the way he was dressed. His face was concealed by the darkness and the huge, purple hat he wore, topped with a green feather. He had a long, curling wig of green hair and wore a long, elegant purple coat with a ruffled green shirt, purple pants, and tall, purple boots. He was also covered in weapons – various types of swords and pistols hung from his belt and across his chest. And Harleen could just make out, glinting in the darkness, a huge, bright, white smile.

The crew came forward, dumping all their spoils into a huge pile on the deck. Harleen saw gold, silver, jewels, and various other valuables added to the stack, and the huge smile got wider with every offering.

At last, it appeared to be Rocco and Jerry's turn, and sharing a look, they dragged Harleen forward to stand next to the pile. She saw the smile disappear suddenly.

"What's that you've got there, Rocco and Jerry?" he demanded. "Is it gold? Jewels? Coin of the realm?"

"It's…uh…it's a girl, captain!" said Jerry, with feigned cheerfulness.

"I can see that!" snapped the captain. "I can see that when I send you idiots into port to bring me back something valuable, you bring me back the opposite of that! What, pray tell, do you think I'm gonna do with that?!"

"Uh…anything you want!" exclaimed Jerry. "She's all yours! Pretty young thing like her we thought would be quite the prize, more valuable than any kinda gold or silver for a man of discerning and impeccable tastes like you, captain."

The captain said nothing, and Harleen felt the heat of his eyes studying her. "If…if you don't want her, captain…" began Rocco at last. "You can…uh…give her to the crew, y'know, to improve morale…"

There was a murmur of excitement at this, abruptly cut off by the captain slamming his fist down on the railing. "_Give_ her to you?!" he roared. "Am I the kinda guy who gives people anything?! You incompetent dolts think you deserve a present, do you, a gift for screwing up?! Well, all right, let me show you how much I appreciate it!" He snapped his fingers. "Boys, give Rocco and Jerry a dance of the hangman's jig!"

The two men instantly began begging and pleading while the other crew members hurried to tie together two lengths of rope in the shape of a hangman's noose and fitting them around Rocco and Jerry's necks…

The horror of watching an imminent hanging along with her already horrific situation was too much for Harleen to bear, and she snapped out of her catatonic state suddenly.

"Stop it!" she shrieked, striding forward. "Stop it! Stop this ship at once and return me to port immediately!"

The noise and movement stopped as all eyes fixed on her – clearly giving orders to the captain was not something that ever happened. His smile returned slowly. "Or what, sweetheart?" he asked, quietly.

"Or you'll have my father after you!" she snapped. "He'll stop at nothing to get me back, he'll hire hundreds of bounty hunters to track you! You'll be hounded all over the ocean, and nowhere will be safe! He'll…he'll even get the Batman to drag you back to Gotham to be hanged for your crimes, every single one of you!"

The captain chuckled. "What's your name, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Miss Harleen Quinzel," she retorted.

"That would make your father George Quinzel, would it?" asked the captain, quietly. "The richest man in Gotham City, second only to Bruce Wayne?"

"That's right," said Harleen, nodding.

The horrible smile widened, and then split with laughter. "Now _that's_ valuable!" he chuckled. "Boys, cut 'em down!" he said, gesturing to Rocco and Jerry, who let out a sigh of relief. "They're reprieved! And take the lady to my cabin – I want her kept nice and safe until her Daddy pays her ransom! If any man here lays a finger on her, I'll have their guts for garters, and you know that ain't just an expression with me!" he giggled. "Welcome aboard the Clown Prince of Crime, Miss Quinzel!"

Harleen was grabbed and dragged toward a door, shoved into the room and then locked in. She still heard the captain's mocking laugh, rising hysterically in pitch and volume, as the ship sailed ever further away from her home.

She wanted to break down in tears and give into despair, but she had read enough to know that was never a productive course of action. So she stood up, looking around the cabin for something to defend herself with when the captain returned. The room was scattered with maps and papers and clothing, but the only heavy objects in the room appeared to be the closet, cupboard, table, and the large, four-poster bed, which were all too heavy to lift…

And then she spotted a pair of candlesticks on the table. Seizing one, she hefted it above her shoulder and then ducked behind the door, just as she heard it open.

The captain entered the room and she swung hard at the back of his head, and felt the candlestick colliding with his skull with a satisfying crack.

"Son of a…!" he roared, whirling around. She tried to hit him again, but he intercepted her arm, twisting it until she dropped the candlestick with a cry of pain. He slammed her against the wall, striking her hard across the face. Harleen's head reeled and her eyes stung with tears as she opened them to glare at the man pressing her against the wall…

And was instantly taken aback by her first glimpse of him. His face was bone white, and strangely handsome, even with the bright red lips and green hair. He had the most intriguing eyes, deep and green and bright, and fixed on her in fury.

"Don't you ever attack me again, you stupid girl!" he hissed. "I'm not a man who controls my temper! And I don't want to damage you too much or you'll depreciate in value!"

"How difficult it must be for a man like you to choose between your lust for gold, or your lust for flesh!" she spat.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" he demanded.

"I mean you will not take my honor without a fight!" she snapped, slamming her foot down onto his.

"Just calm the hell down, lady!" he roared, hissing in pain. "I don't wanna take your honor! I don't wanna take anything from you, except your father's money!"

Harleen stared at him. "But…you're a pirate."

"It's a living, all right?" he snapped, releasing her. "But it don't mean we're all the same. I do the whole pillaging and murdering thing, less so the raping. No joke in that, and no fun. And I'm all about the jokes and the fun."

"How is killing innocents and stealing their wealth fun?" demanded Harleen.

"Ever tried it?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she snapped.

"Then don't judge," he retorted, heading over to the cabinet and unlocking it. "Can I offer you a drink?" he asked, pulling out a bottle of rum.

"You can, but I will not accept it from a man such as yourself, who is clearly only interested in lowering my guard so he can take my honor…"

"Jesus, you're obsessed!" he laughed. "Of the two of us, the only one who's mentioned taking your honor is you. Makes me think maybe you're the one who's eager to get rid of it," he chuckled, pouring himself a drink.

"How dare you?" she snapped. "I think any young lady in my position would be justifiably concerned about protecting her honor trapped on a ship with the lowest kinds of men. I have read about women suffering fates worse than death among such brutes…"

"Read a lot, do you?" he asked, sipping his drink.

"Yes," she snapped. "I can see you don't. There's not a book in this cabin."

"Nah, I ain't a big fan," he agreed. "While you've been sitting at home reading about other people's lives, I've actually been out there living mine."

"Yes, as a pirate and a criminal," she snapped. "How admirable of you. Forgive me if I don't consider that a worthwhile life…"

"Forgive me if I don't care what you think," he interrupted. "What could a spoiled little rich girl like you possibly know about the real world, and how difficult it is to get by in it? Your books never focus on that, I bet – how the world's a madhouse, full of terrible people doing terrible things, and how sometimes people are driven to extremes to survive, or face extinction. Mind you, I make survival fun," he chuckled. "And quite profitable, if I do say so myself."

Harleen said nothing, folding her arms across her chest. "What are you going to do with me?" she asked, quietly.

"I ain't gonna do anything with you," he retorted. "Sorry if that disappoints you…"

"I mean about my demand to take me back to Gotham!" she snapped.

"Oh, that!" he laughed. "Yeah. We won't be doing that. We just hit Gotham, so we're gonna avoid her for a while, collect some more treasure elsewhere, attack a few more towns, pillage some ships, bury the whole lot, and then eventually we'll head back there to start over again, but probably not for another seven or eight months."

"Eight months!" exclaimed Harleen.

"Should give your Daddy enough time to gather the gold I'll be demanding for your return," he continued. "If he has it ready for me when we return to Gotham, you'll be free to go. If he doesn't…"

He trailed off with a smile. "Well, you'll be free of us either way," he chuckled. "But not for a good few months, like I said, so just get used to it. But you heard what I told the boys – nobody's gonna touch you. You'll be free to come and go as you please on the ship – you can't escape, after all. And you'll have the private use of my cabin for the duration of your stay. Not a bad deal for a captive, is it? If I were you, I'd be very grateful to me. You could at least say thank you."

Harleen glared at him. "You expect me to thank you for kidnapping me, holding me for ransom, and keeping me prisoner on a ship for eight months?"

"Well, when you put it like that, it sounds worse than it is," he replied, shrugging. "Sure you won't have a drink? It'll calm you down."

She continued to glare. "If this indeed my cabin now, I would ask you to leave it, sir," she hissed.

He shrugged. "Fine. But I'm taking the rum with me," he said, pocketing the bottle. "Oh, and one more thing…"

He seized her around the throat suddenly, his grip hard and firm. "Do not order me around again!" he hissed, his green eyes burning into hers. "Or I'll be forced to hurt you! And that would be such a shame, in terms of my profit, y'know. This is my ship, you are in my power, and I would be a little more thankful that I'm feeling in a generous mood today. I could just as easily decide your Daddy's gold ain't worth eight months of you being a nuisance and keelhaul you. So I would watch my step very, very carefully, sweetheart. I'm a dangerous man, and you're just a spoiled little rich girl. Don't ever forget that."

He released her throat and then left, shutting the door behind him. Harleen gasped for breath, massaging her throat and trying to control the tears in her eyes. But it was no good. She threw herself onto the bed, sobbing into the pillows, and gave herself up to her despair at last.


	4. Chapter 4

She must have cried herself to sleep, because she woke up to sun shining through the windows. For a moment, she was confused as to why she was still dressed, and not in her bedroom, and then the memories of the previous night came flooding back with a lurch.

She sat up, and hissed in pain, which was only natural after sleeping in a rib-crushing corset all night. She massaged her waist tenderly and then stood up, heading over to the closet and opening the door. Inside was a vast array of shirts and clothing, mostly purple and green.

"Bizarre taste in fashion," she muttered to herself, pulling a shirt off the hanger. "But then what can anyone expect from a pirate?"

She carefully slipped off her dress and removed her corset with a grateful sigh. Then she began pulling on the purple shirt and purple pants, tightening them with a smiling skull belt buckle. "I look utterly ridiculous," she said, studying her reflection in the mirror. "A lady in trousers, of all things! But I suppose I'd rather look ridiculous and be able to breathe…"

There was a knock on her door, and Harleen picked up the candlestick again. "Come in!" she called, hiding it behind her back just in case.

The man who had kidnapped her yesterday, Rocco, entered with a tray of food. "The captain thought you might be hungry," he said, setting it down.

"That's very kind of him," she sniffed, glancing over the less than appetizing meal.

"Well, he says you're not worth anything if you starve to death," replied Rocco, shrugging. He paused. "Uh…look, about what happened yesterday…I just wanna say…I'm sorry about all this."

"You're sorry you kidnapped me?" repeated Harleen.

"Yeah," he said. "You seem like a sweet kid, and you don't deserve to be held captive. But you don't know what it's like working for him…if we'd come back empty-handed, he would have hanged us just for fun. It was your neck against ours…"

"So you thought my neck was the less worthy one," finished Harleen.

"No, it's not like that," he said, hastily. "…well, it's sorta like that, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry this had to happen."

Harleen just glared at him. "If you're looking for forgiveness, examine your own soul. Because forgiveness is between you and God."

"I guess, but…God doesn't talk so much," said Rocco, slowly. "At least not to me. So it'd be nice to hear it from somebody else."

Harleen was about to respond when the captain appeared in the doorway. "Roc, I said drop off the food and get back to work, not drop off the food, pull up a chair, and have a chat!" he snapped. "That deck ain't gonna swab itself!"

"Yes, captain, sorry, captain," stammered Rocco, racing off.

The captain noticed Harleen suddenly, and stared at her. "What are you doing in my clothes?" he demanded. "I didn't say you could wear my clothes!"

"If this is my cabin, I assume I can help myself to whatever's in it," retorted Harleen.

"Not my clothes!" he snapped. "They're specially tailored by an expensive French designer! You have your own clothes, so put them on, and take mine off at once!"

"Certainly not!" she retorted. "I am not going to take my clothes off in front of a man!"

"They're _my _clothes, and you're gonna do what I tell you with 'em!" he shouted. "Or you're gonna get to spend some time on the rack!"

"Time on the rack would be less painful than forcing myself back into my corset again!" shrieked Harleen. "So do your worst, captain!"

"Right, that's it, I'll just take 'em back myself!" he snapped, reaching out to grab the material. Harleen leaped back, grabbing a sleeve and holding it up.

"I'll rip it if you even think of laying a hand on me!" she hissed.

"You wouldn't dare!" he snapped.

"Try me," she growled.

They faced off for several agonizing seconds, and then the captain turned and stormed from the room. "Fine, but if you tear 'em in any way, I ain't gonna be responsible for my actions!"

He slammed the door and Harleen let out a sigh of relief. Her heart had been hammering in fear and…excitement, she realized again. More adrenaline than excitement, she rationalized. How could anyone be excited about threatening a dangerous man?

She heard the sound of a whistle, and then a voice on deck shouting, "Ship ahoy!"

Harleen raced to the window, peering out at the open ocean, where she could distinctly make out the shape of a sail. Her heart leaped in hope – maybe it was the Batman, or someone from her father, come to rescue her.

But her heart sank again when she saw the black flag flying from the other ship's mast, indicating that it was yet another pirate ship. This flag had a skull and crossed bones with half a face, and she guessed that this must be the notorious pirate Two-Face, who killed with the flip of his gold doubloon.

She was most definitely staying in the cabin, she thought, sitting down firmly on the bed. But curiosity gradually got the better of her – after all, she had never seen what Two-Face looked like in the flesh.

So she finally stood up, creeping over to the door of the cabin and slipping out onto the deck. Nobody noticed her – the crew and the captain were all standing against the railing while the captain shouted at the other ship through a megaphone.

"…I said beat it, Harvey!" the captain called. "We got a schedule to keep! Places to go, people to rob – I don't have a lotta time for talking!"

"I've told you, J, it's really important!" the other captain shouted from the opposite ship. "It's a business deal!"

"I don't wanna do business with a guy who can't decide things without the help of a coin!" shouted back the Joker.

"It's for the greater good!" called back the other captain. "Just hear me out! And not like this or I'm gonna lose my voice!"

The Joker was silent. "My ship or yours?" he called back.

There was a pause while the other captain flipped a coin. "Yours!" he called.

"All right – hang on while we get the gangplank!" called back the Joker. He lowered the megaphone. "Boys, gangplank, now. And be prepared for anything – he's a pirate, and you can't trust those as far as you can throw them."

Harleen watched as the crew scrambled to lower the gangplank onto the neighboring ship. And then a man strode across it, a man dressed in a half-black, half-white coat, and wearing a half-black, half-white wig. A man with half a face burnt off…and a man she recognized.

"Mr. Dent!" she exclaimed, shocked.

He noticed her, and both his faces looked equally shocked. "Miss…Miss Quinzel," he stammered. "What in heaven's name are you doing here, and dressed like that?"

"I was…kidnapped," she replied.

"And then she stole my clothes," muttered Joker.

"But you…Mr. Dent, everyone thinks you're dead!" gasped Harleen. "You were kidnapped by pirates and then killed when the powder magazine on the ship exploded…"

"Uh…yeah…about that…" began Two-Face, slowly. "Uh…this is awkward…uh…I actually…staged that kidnapping."

"Why?" asked Harleen, puzzled. "You were a respected member of Gotham society…"

"Yeah, and I woulda gone crazy if I had to live like that any longer," retorted Two-Face. "So I thought up a plan. I thought if I staged my kidnapping, I could scam Bruce Wayne outta a tidy ransom for my return. The pirates who kidnapped me worked for me – they were gonna get Wayne to pay up and then stage my death, and then we all would have sailed safely away with the gold. And the plan woulda gone off without a hitch, only a certain Batman showed up to rescue me before Wayne could pay and started a fight with my guys, during which the powder keg went off, damaging my face. Everyone thought I was dead, and so I decided to use that to my advantage, and start a new life on the high seas. Haven't regretted it for an instant. You're free out here – free from all the crap I had to endure in Gotham, the manners, the formalities, the social conventions. Life is so much less complicated now. Kill or be killed. Rob or be robbed. Heads or tails," he said, flicking the gold doubloon into the air.

"Nice that you and Miss Quinzel can catch up, Harv, but I ain't the type who enjoys chit-chat," said the Joker. "What's this business you wanted to see me about?"

Two-Face glared at him. "Have you heard about Riddler?" he asked.

"Riddler…Riddler…" repeated Joker, thoughtfully. "Nope, can't say that name rings a bell."

"Yes, it does, J – the guy with the question mark flag," retorted Two-Face. "He was a regular pirate in Gotham's waters too. You blew his ship outta the water last year and left him marooned on an island surrounded by sharks, vowing revenge."

"Oh, that Riddler!" said Joker, grinning. "Yeah, that vaguely rings a bell. How's he doing?"

"He's dead," snapped Two-Face. "The Batman caught him, took him back to Gotham, and the authorities there hanged him. I just got word this morning."

"Well, that's what happens to second-rate pirates, Harv," said Joker, shaking his head. "It's called natural selection. You shouldn't go into this business if you ain't got the brains or the brawn for it."

"Riddler was plenty smart," said Two-Face. "And his ship was like a death trap – all kindsa weird weapons and technology. Guns and cannons that could fire multiple shots at a time. Equipment that could sense other ships approaching. Telescopes that could see for miles."

"Yeah, but all that crap didn't save him," retorted Joker.

"No, it didn't," agreed Two-Face. "And if being caught and hanged can happen to him, it can happen to any of us."

"Speak for yourself, Harvey," retorted Joker, folding his arms across his chest.

"J, this Batman is no joke," said Two-Face. "If any of us wanna keep making piracy pay around Gotham, we need to kill him. He's been a thorn in our side for too long, and he's become very dangerous. We need to all join together and take him out."

"I don't play nicely with others, Harvey," retorted Joker. "And I certainly don't wanna work with some of the freaks in these waters. So you go join up with them if you want to, but I ain't interested. I can handle myself against this Batman."

"That's what Riddler said," replied Two-Face. "And we could really use your help with this, J. You're one of the best pirates around…"

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Harvey!" chuckled Joker.

"It's not flattery – it's the truth," retorted Two-Face.

Joker said nothing. "What's in it for me?" he asked at last. "Where's the profit?"

"Well, you'll save yourself a huge headache, and probably also the hangman's noose," retorted Two-Face. "Pretty good deal, I'd say. Plus if I held George Quinzel's daughter captive, I would err on the side of caution," he said, nodding at Harleen. "The Batman will be after you for that, I guarantee it. He's probably hot on your tail right now. If I were you, I'd invest in some extra security, and there's security in numbers. Better safe than sorry."

Joker shrugged. "I'll think about it," he said at last.

"I'd do that," replied Two-Face, nodding. "I'd think about it long and hard, J."

He turned, heading back toward the gangplank. "If you make the right choice, a bunch of us are anchored at Arkham Island. I'll see you there, if the Batman doesn't find you first, of course. Otherwise I'll see you at the end of a noose. Miss Quinzel," he said, tipping his hat.

Two-Face boarded his ship, the gangplank was raised, and the ship sailed off into the distance.

Joker remained standing by the railing, and then snorted. "Buncha lily-livered cowards," he muttered. "I'm not afraid of some freak in a Bat costume. Let him do his worst."

He was about to learn to be careful what he asked for.


	5. Chapter 5

Harleen was woken up that night by a loud explosion, as the whole ship rocked from side to side. She sat up suddenly as she heard shouting and yelling from the deck, and raced to the window.

She could make out another ship in the darkness, a ship rapidly gaining on them. She suddenly saw a glare of light, and then the ship rocked again as the pursuing ship fired another round of cannons at them.

In the brief glare of the explosion, Harleen managed to catch a glimpse of the flag, and her heart leaped in happiness when she saw it resembled a bat. "Batman!" she gasped.

She couldn't contain her excitement. She was about to be rescued from these savage pirates by the hero of Gotham City! She wondered whether she should stay here and wait for him to storm the cabin, where she could greet him on the bed, giving him a kiss for his pains, or whether she should be up on deck so that he could swing on a rope over to the ship, grab her, and swing her back to safety, clasped in his strong, virile arms…

The ship rocked again, startling her out of her fantasies. But now their ship was returning fire – she could hear the cannons beneath her. It was all actually terribly exciting, to be in the middle of a ship battle, she thought. And especially since she knew she was safe now – the Batman always triumphed over pirate scum. She would take great pleasure in thinking about the captain being hanged, she thought smugly.

She heard the clash and clatter of swords – they were being boarded. That meant that the Batman would be here presently. Harleen decided to get ready for him to rescue her.

She thought about slipping on her corset and dress again, but she decided that the Batman would find a woman in trousers more exotic anyway. So she lay back down on the bed, feigning sleep, but making sure she looked her best so that her noble rescuer could awaken her with a kiss…

The door was thrown open and Harleen's heart pounded in excitement as she felt someone approach her. She gently put her lips out for his…

And was suddenly roughly hauled to her feet. "Jesus, how can you sleep through a ship battle?" demanded a familiar voice.

"You?" she snapped, glaring at the Joker. "Where's the Batman?"

"Beating the crap outta my crew," snapped Joker, grabbing bits and pieces from the cabin. "Lucky for me. They can distract him while we get outta here."

"We?" repeated Harleen. "I'm not going anywhere with you!"

"Look, sweetheart, we can do this the easy way or the hard way," he retorted. "The easy way means you grabbing some more food and rum and supplies, and the hard way means having less of that for both of us. So for both our sakes, I'd take the easy way."

He smashed his arm through the back window suddenly, throwing the supplies he had collected out into the lifeboat beneath. "So get in," he said, gesturing to it.

Harleen stared at him. "I am not getting into a lifeboat with you!" she shrieked. "I am going to stay here and wait for the Batman to rescue me…"

She screamed as Joker suddenly seized her around the waist, tossing her over his shoulder and then climbing into the boat. "Let go!" she shrieked, hitting at him. "Let go of me!"

"I'm losing my ship and my crew and my treasure – I'm not about to lose you!" he snapped, dropping her down into the bottom of the boat. "Right now you're the most valuable piece of property I got, and I'll need the money you bring in to recoup my losses! So just sit down and stay quiet!"

He began lowering the boat into the water. Harleen panicked – she had been so close to a rescue, and now her situation appeared to be even worse than it was before. "No!" she screamed, leaping to her feet. "Batman! Batman, help! Save me! Bat…"

The Joker's fist collided with her skull suddenly, and she lost consciousness.

…

She awoke later with a throbbing headache, as she heard the splash of oars chopping the water. And there in front of her in the lifeboat was the man who she hated most in the world, the man who had thwarted her rescue, glaring back at the ship they had abandoned in the distance.

"He's gonna pay for stealing my ship. All my plunder was in there. Not to mention my clothes," he muttered to himself.

Harleen sat up quickly. "Batman!" she called.

"He can't hear you, toots – we're well outta range," snapped Joker, continuing to row. "Sorry to spoil your rescue and all, but you're stuck with me until further notice. So just stop screaming and get used to it."

Harleen's horror instantly changed to rage. "You monster, how dare you?!" she shrieked, leaping at him and striking at him furiously. "How dare you?! I was about to be rescued by the Batman, and all my dreams were about to come true!"

"You really need…some new dreams…kid!" snapped Joker, grabbing her wrists and forcing her to sit down again. "What, were you hoping he'd take your honor too?"

"How dare you even suggest that the Batman would do something dishonorable like that?!" snapped Harleen. "He's a hero!"

"He's a pain in the ass, like Harvey said," agreed Joker. "I underestimated him. It won't happen again. Nobody humiliates the Joker twice."

"I can't believe you've just kidnapped me again!" sobbed Harleen, her rage turning to despair. "When I was on the verge of escape, of being saved by Gotham's hero, you drag me off to trap me on a tiny boat with you, some murdering pirate, and the man I hate most in the whole world!"

"Quite a joke, huh?" chuckled Joker, smiling at her. "Good punchline, I gotta say. Bet you didn't see it coming."

Harleen broke down in tears, and the Joker ignored her, continuing to row. "You wanna stop the wailing?" he demanded at last. "I only gotta keep you alive, not in perfect condition, so if you're gonna be difficult, I can always drag you along behind the boat."

"You wouldn't dare…" she began.

He shrugged, picking up some rope and standing up. "No, no, I'll be quiet!" she cried hastily. "I'll be quiet."

And she was, stifling her tears into the occasional sniffle. Time passed as the Joker kept rowing, the open sea spread out around them.

"Where are we going?" whispered Harleen at last.

"Arkham Island," he replied. "Judging by my calculations, it shouldn't take us more than a week of steady rowing."

"A week?!" exclaimed Harleen. "We're to be stuck on this boat for a week?!"

"More or less," he replied, nodding. "That is, if the heading on my compass is right, which it should be. I think we got enough food. We just gotta hope the weather is with us – a freak storm could knock us off course that'll take us days to recover, assuming it doesn't just drown us, of course. And just so you know, if we do run outta food, I'll have to knock some value offa your price by eating your limbs," he added, grinning.

"Is that…a joke?" whispered Harleen.

"Nope," he retorted. "It's a fair warning."

Harleen didn't think she could feel any more miserable. But she did, as her heart sank again. She was trapped on a small boat with the most horrible man who ever lived, a man who saw her as an object to be bartered and traded…and eaten if necessary. She honestly didn't know how things could get worse – even if their boat sank in a sudden storm, at least she'd just be dead. And right now, she was suffering a fate much, much worse.


	6. Chapter 6

She must have drifted off to sleep at last, because she awoke to feel the sun on her face, and the waves lapping against the side of the boat. She sat up slowly to see the Joker leaning back, sipping from a bottle of rum.

"Why aren't you rowing?" she demanded.

"I been rowing all night," he snapped. "So I'm taking a well-deserved break. You're welcome to take over, Miss Quinzel," he sneered. "I'm sure a spoiled little rich girl like you has a lotta arm muscles."

She said nothing, glaring at him as he sipped his rum. Her own throat was parched, and she began looking around for some water.

"What are you looking for?" he asked.

"Water," she retorted. "I'm thirsty."

He offered her the bottle of rum. "No, thank you," she snapped, finding a canteen under the seat. "Anyway, alcohol dehydrates you, and frankly that's the last thing we need to be at sea."

"It also cheers you up," retorted Joker. "Which is something I need after last night's disaster, and something you appear to need constantly."

"And what event over the past few days would you like me to be cheerful about?" demanded Harleen.

Joker shrugged. "You got to catch-up with your old pal Harvey," he said. "And you stole some nice, new clothes."

"Yes, that's quite the silver lining," she retorted, sarcastically. "Forgive me, I'm wrong to be upset."

Joker sighed, sipping more rum. "Kinda wish I'd thrown some more treasure into the boat instead of you," he muttered. "It wouldn't be worth as much, but at least it would be silent, which is frankly worth more than money to me right now."

Harleen ignored him, sipping the water carefully. "What supplies have we got?" she demanded.

He gestured under the seat. "See for yourself. Food, water, rum…what more does anyone need?"

"Do we have blankets for when it gets cold tonight?" she asked. "We don't want to freeze to death."

He nodded, gesturing to a pile of sheets. "We might be able to fashion them into some sails if the wind picks up," he said. "Use the oars as masts. I certainly hope it does – my arms are already aching," he sighed, flexing them. "I'm not looking forward to a week of this, but it's better than being hanged."

Secretly Harleen wished for nothing else than for him to be hanged, but she kept these thoughts to herself. "Did you…see the Batman last night?" she asked, tentatively.

He nodded. "Yep. Nearly crossed swords with him, but then I thought discretion was the better part of valor."

_Like the coward you are_ thought Harleen, but again, kept these thoughts to herself. "What was he like?" she asked. "I mean…how would you describe him?"

He shrugged. "Kinda hard to describe a guy who wears a mask. But he wears a mask."

"I know that!" snapped Harleen. "Everyone knows that! What else?"

He sipped his rum again. "I dunno. He had a cape."

Harleen sighed heavily. This man was the worst storyteller in the world – she would have to prompt him. "Was he tall? Dark? Rugged? Strong and muscular? They say he has steely blue eyes that glint like jewels, and his jaw is strong and solid. Is it true?"

Joker stared at her. "You think I noticed any of that?! It was dark, for one, and for another, I don't tend to focus on if my opponent's eyes glint or if he has a solid jaw! Mostly I'm just looking for a way to kill him!"

"Fine, you're no help!" she snapped, folding her arms across her chest.

"Yeah, sorry I can't give you details for your erotic fantasy," snapped Joker, draining the rum bottle.

"How…dare you?!" she demanded. "I merely admire the Batman, as anyone would admire a hero!"

"Yeah, right," he snorted. "I bet you were hoping he'd take the ship and then take you in the cabin…"

She slapped him hard across the face. "How dare you?!" she repeated. "I would never…give my honor to any man who is not my husband!"

"Well, the Batman ain't gonna make you a good husband, toots," he retorted. "So I'd drop that idea right now. He's gonna be too busy poking his nose into other people's business and making a giant nuisance of himself!"

"You're just jealous because he bested you and took your ship…" began Harleen.

He smashed the bottle suddenly, and then lunged forward, knocking her back against the prow and holding the broken glass inches from her face. "I wouldn't remind me of that if I were you!" he hissed. "For your own good!"

Harleen stared back at him, her heart racing in terror at the look in his eyes. It was wild and dangerous and…and his body was pressed against hers, his heart pounding in fury, echoing hers…and she began to feel very strange as a tingling warmth flowed through her body…

He drew away from her, getting himself under control with colossal effort. He hurled the broken bottle out into the ocean as far as he could throw it, which was an impressive distance. And then he sat down, picking up the oars again and beginning to row.

Harleen sat up slowly, feeling her own body calming. She dipped her hand out of the boat and then bathed the cool water over her cheeks, which were burning up. She wondered if she might be getting ill, or heatstroke, out in this burning sun all day…

But she longed for the warmth of the burning sun the moment it set, and the temperature dropped steeply. The wind had arrived, and the Joker used the oars to fashion a mast, taking a break from the rowing and letting the wind do the work. He leaned against the mast, drinking again, as the wind pushed them steadily along.

Harleen was trying to keep herself warm – the air was icy and she shivered uncontrollably, curled up in the prow of the boat. She would have given anything for a spare sheet, but they were needed on the sails. She tried to hold back tears, but she had never been so cold or miserable in her life, and she began to sniffle…

And then she felt something draped over her, something soft and heavy. It was the Joker's coat, she realized, still warm from his body heat. She sat up and saw him returning to stand against the mast, just dressed in his shirt.

"Aren't you cold?" she whispered.

"Nah," he retorted. "Rum keeps me warm. One of the many benefits of alcohol. And since you refuse to drink it, you need the coat more than me. Besides, I can't stand your sniffling."

She nodded. "Thank you," she whispered.

He said nothing in response, taking another swig of rum. Harleen studied him for a few more moments, and then curled up in his coat. She felt safe in its warmth, shutting her eyes and drifting off to sleep with strange visions of the Joker.


	7. Chapter 7

She woke up slowly to feel the sun again, heavy and warm. These extremes of temperature were agony, she thought, as she pulled the Joker's coat off of her and looked around for him.

The wind was still with them – the sails were full and pushing them along, and the Joker was kneeling in the back of the boat. His wig was off, revealing his short, still green hair underneath, and he leaned over the side, dunking his shirt into the water. At the moment, Harleen realized, he was completely shirtless, and her heart began thudding again at the sight of his smooth, white skin, and the bulge of his muscles underneath…

He pulled his shirt back on, sighing in relief at the cool water soaking his flesh. And then he felt her eyes on him and turned. "Good morning," he said.

"Good…good morning," she stammered, tearing her eyes away from his wet shirt and muscular flesh. "What a very…hot…day."

"Yeah, it is," he agreed, cupping the water in his hands and running it through his hair.

"You…have very unusual hair," commented Harleen. "And…and skin. Not unpleasant, mind, but unusual," she added.

He laughed. "Yeah. I do."

"What…uh…happened to you, if you don't mind my asking?" she said.

"I do mind you asking," he retorted. "It's none of your business."

"Your mood hasn't improved from yesterday, I see," sniffed Harleen.

He smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I completely forgot that I had a little princess in this boat with me, who deserves constant polite attentions, civil manners, and courtesy. Of course I don't mind you poking your nose into my business, your highness. Why don't you ask me anything?"

Harleen had had just about enough of his sneering sarcasm. "I'll just sit here quietly, then," she muttered.

"Works for me," he retorted. The wind was dying down, and so he dismantled the mast, grabbing the oars and stroking them back in the water again.

The sun continued to beat down, and soon the Joker's shirt was dry again. He paused in his rowing to just strip it off, and Harleen forced herself not to stare. But she had never seen a man's naked chest before, or the way it moved when he exerted himself, his muscles heaving…

"Stop staring at me," he snapped, suddenly.

"I wasn't staring," she retorted, hastily. "How dare you?"

He shrugged. "My mistake," he said, falling silent again.

Harleen was burning up, and envied the man's ability to just strip off his shirt. But she would have to remove something, she thought, or she was very likely to get heatstroke. So she decided the lesser of two evils was her boots. She pulled them off along with her stockings, rolled her pants up to her ankles, and then trailed her feet out of the boat and into the water.

He cleared his throat. "Y'know…you could do it too, if you wanna."

"What?" she asked.

"Take off your shirt," he replied. "I wouldn't mind…I mean…I wouldn't wanna see it, but I wouldn't object to it either. Not that I'd be looking, or staring, or anything…it's just about you being comfortable."

Harleen gaped at him. "I am most certainly not…exposing myself to a man. Especially not a man like you…"

"Ok, fine, whatever, it was just a suggestion," he snapped. "To make you more comfortable, like I said. Forgive me for being considerate."

He continued to row. "It's not like you got much there that anyone is gonna wanna stare at anyway," he said. "I mean, I've seen fat guys with their shirts off, and you look like you got less in the chest department than them."

"I'll thank you to keep your eyes on my face when you look at me, and to refrain from making personal comments," she retorted. "Especially about my physical assets, or lack thereof. Believe me, I know. It's one of the reasons my mother always insisted on me wearing corsets – they give you lift, and make you look fuller than you are. Mother always said no man wants a woman who can't nurse his children…"

She trailed off, feeling all the insecurity she had felt from a young age about her body come flooding back. She had always secretly thought that any men interested in her were after her father's money, rather than herself, and consequently had a fairly negative perception of her appearance.

"Well…I don't think you should worry about that," he said, slowly. "I mean, they get bigger when a woman gets pregnant, y'know. With milk for the baby…"

"Thank you, I know!" she snapped. "Could we please refrain from talking about personal subjects like that?"

He shrugged. "Just trying to help," he muttered, rowing harder.

She was silent. "How do you know what happens when a woman becomes with child?" she demanded.

He shrugged again. "Things you pick up from living."

"I just thought…you might have a wife somewhere," she said. "And children. I would pity them for having such a father and husband, of course…"

"I don't," he interrupted.

"Well, no, I should have known, really," retorted Harleen. "No woman in her right mind would ever want a man like you for a husband."

"That's right," he agreed. "No woman in her right mind. And there ain't a lotta crazy dames out there. Not truly crazy, I mean, and that's the only kinda dame who would wanna throw her lot in with a pirate."

"Yes, quite," agreed Harleen. "No woman would wait her whole life to find a husband and then choose a pirate. That would be ridiculous."

"Is that what you've been waiting your whole life for?" he asked.

"I…do need to be married soon," she admitted. "Not that I'm likely to be, when everyone in Gotham learns I was kidnapped by pirates. They'll probably believe I've lost my honor."

"Why would you care what they think?" asked Joker.

"Because no man would want an impure woman…" began Harleen.

"Would you really want a man who judged you so superficially anyway?" he interrupted. "Surely your husband should love you no matter what. Little things like that shouldn't bother him, and he should admire you for enduring the trials that you have with good grace and courage."

He rowed steadily. "Mind you, I'm not sure why anyone's goal in life would just be to get married. There's so much more out there to do."

"Not for a woman," retorted Harleen.

He shrugged. "I know women pirates. A few of 'em will probably be at Arkham Island, so you can meet 'em. They'll probably tell you that you should never let anyone else tell you what you can and can't do, whether it's your parents or society. You do what makes you happy, what fulfills your life, and to hell with what anyone else thinks."

"Such words from a pirate," she sneered.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Doesn't make 'em any less true."

She was silent, trailing her feet in the water. "I suppose we're lucky the weather's held," she said. "No storms yet."

"Yeah, not a cloud in the sky," muttered Joker, glancing up. "Unfortunately. Just makes the days hotter and the nights colder."

He was right about that. That night was even more chilly than the previous one, and the wind was back, which saved Joker rowing, but did nothing to alleviate the chill.

Harleen curled up in his coat, still shivering, and could only imagine how he must be feeling with limited protection. But he didn't seem bothered – he had his rum again, and lay down in the bottom of the boat, staring up at the sky. Harleen's own eyes were drawn up to the clear heavens above, the stars sparkling and seemingly infinite above them. It was startlingly beautiful, despite the situation.

"We're going North," she murmured.

"How can you tell that?" he asked.

She pointed up. "That's Polaris, the North Star. My father taught me you could navigate by that no matter where you were in the ocean."

Joker chuckled. "Smart man," he said, sipping his rum. "Both to know that, and to teach his daughter."

"When I was a little girl, Father and I would sit out on the cliffs around Gotham and stargaze away from the city," she said. "He would tell me all the stories of the constellations."

"Yeah, there are a lotta stories up there," he agreed. "You don't realize how big the universe is sometimes until you look out at the night sky. And you don't feel truly free until it's just you, alone with the stars and the water and the sky."

"Except we're trapped on a boat," reminded Harleen.

"For now, yeah," he agreed. "But just look up there. The whole universe waiting, every star a possibility, an opportunity, a chance to burn bright before you die out in a blaze of glory. I tell ya, kiddo, that's the life for me. Free, wandering the sea and sky until you die."

Harleen smiled, despite her shivering. He held out his rum bottle to her. "It'll help with the cold," he said.

She nodded, desperate to try anything now. She took a small sip, and felt her mouth and insides suddenly burning as she squeezed her eyes shut. "Good Lord, it's dreadful!" she gasped.

He laughed. "But it warms you right up!" he chuckled.

"It burns, if that's what you mean!" she coughed. "How can you keep choking that down?!"

"You get used to the burn," he replied, shrugging. "Just like you can get used to everything."

"I suppose that's true," conceded Harleen. "It's not been a pleasure being stuck on this boat with you, but it's not been as terrible as I expected either. I suppose I've gotten used to your less than enjoyable company."

He chuckled. "I'll take that as a compliment," he replied, sipping his rum.

Harleen shut her eyes, trying to sleep despite her shivering. But it was uncontrollable, and she couldn't focus on sleep when her body was aching with cold. "Oh, God in heaven, this is awful!" she whispered, tears trailing down her cheeks.

"You'd better not be sniffling again," he muttered.

"I'm freezing!" she snapped. "I can't feel my hands or legs or face, and I'm sure I won't last the night without getting a frostbite, or maybe even freezing to death…"

He stood up, coming over to her and then lying down next to her. He pulled her into his arms, holding her in a tight embrace against his body. His warmth came flooding through her body, and heat from the depths of her own body flared up, yearning to meet his. It might have felt very awkward, lying in a man's embrace like this, but right now she was just grateful to feel warm.

"Go to sleep," he murmured, shutting his eyes. "And if we get frostbite, we'll get it together. And if we don't, you owe me fifty doubloons. On top of your already substantial ransom."

She nodded, cuddling against his chest and feeling his strong arms around her. She felt safe and warm…very warm suddenly. His heartbeat was loud and soothing, drumming her off to sleep with a steady lullaby that she was completely incapable of resisting.


	8. Chapter 8

She stirred, her eyes fluttering open to daylight, and felt his body stirring in response. The weather had turned warm again, but the heat came from inside her as she felt him pressed against her, her heart throbbing suddenly.

She glanced up at his face, still relaxed in sleep and strangely innocent-looking. She did feel almost unpleasantly hot, but was reluctant to draw away from him – the touch of his body sent hundreds of strange, new, wonderful feelings sparking through her…

Horribly wrong feelings, considering the man and the situation, her mind reminded her. She tried to pull away from him, but he held her firmly, his arms locked around her in sleep.

She coughed, needing to get away from him before her desire grew any worse. "Um…Captain Joker," she whispered. And then louder, "Captain Joker!"

He stirred again, opening his eyes slowly. "What?" he muttered.

"Could you kindly…release me please?" she stammered.

"What?" he said, waking up gradually. "Oh sure, yeah, yeah, no problem…"

He pulled his arms away and hissed in pain, sitting up and massaging them. "Are you all right?" she asked.

"No," he retorted. "Feel like I've pulled every muscle in my body – my arms are as stiff as anything…"

He hissed again, glaring around at the lack of a breeze. "There's no way I'll be able to row today," he muttered.

"I suppose…I could try," began Harleen, tentatively.

"No, you'd be terrible at it," he snapped. "Probably get us off course and lost…"

"Thank you for the vote of confidence," she sniffed.

He leaned over the side of the boat to splash some water on his arms, and let out a cry of pain. "Christ, got a sunburn too," he muttered, feeling his back tenderly. He lifted his shirt slightly. "How bad is it?"

"Bad," replied Harleen. "You have very fair skin…"

He swore loudly. "And a very foul mouth," she finished.

He carefully began trying to pull his shirt off. "The salt water's gonna sting, but at least it'll cool me down…"

"Here, let me help," said Harleen, aiding him in raising the shirt over his head. His entire back was deep red, and Harleen didn't envy him his pain. "I'll…rinse it," she said. "Just tell me when you're ready."

"Ready," he replied, without hesitation.

Harleen cupped the ocean water in her hands, and then poured it down his back. He hissed again, tensing up, and she began to rub her hands in slow strokes along his back, massaging the cool water into his flesh.

It was just his back, but nevertheless, Harleen had never touched another man's skin like this – with deep, penetrating strokes of her hands. Her heart began racing again as her whole body flushed.

"Try to rub a little lower," he murmured. She obeyed, and was both shocked and pleased to hear him sigh in pleasure.

"You got good hands, kid," he whispered. "Soft and smooth. But I guess that'll happen when you don't do a day's work in your life."

"You can't compliment me without giving me an insult in return, is that how it is?" she asked, dryly.

"I'm not complimenting you or insulting you," he replied. "I'm just stating facts. You do have nice, soft hands, and you haven't done a day's work in your life."

"First time for everything," she retorted, grabbing hold of the oars and dipping them into the water. Her first try at rowing was an abysmal failure – the boat didn't appear to move, and when it did, it went in a circular motion.

"Just leave it!" snapped Joker. "If we just drift today we can make up any distance lost tomorrow. It's a calm day, after all – we shouldn't get too far off course."

Harleen sighed but obeyed. "We're just going to sit here all day then, are we?" she demanded.

"Unless you can think of something better to do. I can," he retorted.

"What?" she asked.

"Get your hands back over here," he said, gesturing to his back.

"I do wish you wouldn't order me around," snapped Harleen, who headed back over to him. "I'm a lady, you know, not some scullery maid or tavern wench."

"Last I checked, ladies don't dress in trousers, or have bare feet and ankles around a man, or sleep in a man's embrace, or touch a man's naked back," he retorted. "So I'd reassess your identity, if I were you."

"I'm not enjoying any of those things," she retorted. "As a lady shouldn't."

She was lying, but she didn't care. Anything was better than admitting the truth – that she had been having the most unladylike thoughts and feelings, especially now that her hands were back massaging his skin…

"You're very…well-built," she stammered.

"A life at sea will do that to you," he retorted.

"You've been a pirate your whole life?" she asked.

"Most of it," he replied. "Since I was old enough to run away to sea at eight years old. I remember as a kid, I would stand ankle-deep in the ocean, with the sand between my toes, and just look out at the water, letting it wash over me for hours on end. Kinda felt like it was calling to me, y'know?"

"Yes…I know," stammered Harleen. "I…used to do the same. Though I was in finishing school at eight. I think I'd rather have been a pirate."

He chuckled. "You start out as a cabin boy and work your way up," he replied. "But it didn't take me long. A guy as ruthless as me can get to the top of the piracy game pretty quick."

"What made you want to become a pirate?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Beats a desk job. And I wanted to be free. And you are free, as a pirate. Until they lock you up or hang you, of course!" he chuckled. "But even if they hang you, you're still free in a way. Y'know, life's a pretty crap deal most of the time, so you gotta amuse yourself and have a little fun somehow. Plundering and pillaging is all part of the game, all one big joke. But not everybody can see the funny side. People like the Batman can't."

"I can't," she agreed. "Can you explain it?"

He shook his head. "Never explain a joke, toots," he retorted. "That's how you ruin it."

He tried to flex his arms again and failed, gasping in pain. "Let me try," said Harleen, moving her massage down his arms and helping him relax the muscles. She felt the tension give way under her gentle hands. "How does that feel?" she whispered.

"Nice," he murmured. "Very nice."

She was leaning over him to reach his arms, her heart pounding so loudly she was sure he could hear it, or at least feel it against his back. Her cheek was nearly brushing against his, and she started when his fingers suddenly curled into hers, his palm feeling the smooth contours of her own. She turned to look at him, and the nearness of their faces somehow drew their lips forward…

The flash of lightning, shortly followed by a heavy rumble of thunder, ruined the moment. "Aw, dammit," muttered Joker, seeing the storm clouds approaching. "We'd better batten down the hatches…"

"Is that a sail?" asked Harleen suddenly, pointing to the horizon.

Joker was on his feet in an instant, grabbing his telescope. And he let out a burst of hysterical laughter as he spied the flag, a skull and crossed bones with snakes and spiders crawling out of the mouth. "It sure is, toots! We're saved!"

"Is it another pirate ship?" she asked.

"Of a kind," he replied. "He calls himself a pirate, but he's a total pushover. Just let me do the talking."

He pulled out his whistle as the ship came closer. "Hey, Johnny!" he called. "Little help over here!"

A man appeared at the railing of the ship, the strangest man Harleen had yet seen, and that was saying something. He appeared to be wearing some sort of mask fashioned from sack cloth, underneath a broad-brimmed hat, and he had what looked like vials of glowing chemicals strapped to his chest. A hangman's noose hung around his neck, and his eyes, which were mostly hidden in the mask, glared in utter contempt at the Joker.

"Joker. Well, this does have the ring of irony to it, considering you stole my ship six months ago and left me stranded out at sea in a lifeboat," said the man.

"Well, what goes around comes around, as they say," agreed Joker. "And I got my comeuppance for treating you like that – lesson learned. So how about you let bygones be bygones and get me safely onto your ship before this storm hits?"

"Actually, I think it would be much more interesting to see how you cope in a lifeboat in the middle of a storm – you know I enjoy watching fears come to life," replied the man. "And seeing the Joker cowering in fear is something I've been looking forward to for a long time."

"Aw, c'mon, Johnny, be a pal," said Joker.

"You're just lucky I haven't blown you out of the water yet," snapped the man. "I'm not so big a fool as to bring you on board my ship. You'll probably try to steal it out from under me again. Good day to you, and good luck," he muttered, turning to go.

"Johnny, wait!" called back Joker. "Got something here you'll wanna see! Stand up, toots," he said, gesturing at Harleen. "Let him get a good look at you. Pretty little thing, ain't she?" he asked, smiling at the man.

"So what if she is?" retorted the man, who nevertheless turned back to them.

"Well, if you don't bring us on board this instant, all her beauty is gonna go to waste in Davy Jones' Locker," said Joker. "I'm gonna send her there myself," he growled, ripping a knife from his belt and holding it against Harleen's throat. "So take us on board now or she gets to swim with the fishes."

Harleen was horrified – for a moment she had felt that the Joker and she had had a connection. But now this same man who had almost kissed her was threatening her with death. "You…you horrible, disgusting, evil…" she began, her rage growing.

"Shh, shh, sweetheart," he whispered in her ear. "Just watch and learn."

His lips brushed slightly against her cheek, and Harleen felt herself thrilling despite the situation.

The man on the ship just stood there. "You…you wouldn't dare murder a defenseless woman like that!" he stammered. "Just…just gut her like a fish, for no reason, her promising young life cut off in its prime…"

"I'm a pirate – that's kinda what we do," said Joker, shrugging. "And hey, she'd probably drown with me on the lifeboat in this approaching storm anyway, huh? So might as well make it quick – drowning is so lingering and unpleasant, so I hear. See ya around, toots," he said, pressing the blade further into her flesh so that it nicked her skin, drawing blood. Harleen cried out, and the man on the ship seized the railing.

"Stop, stop, Joker, don't hurt her!" he cried. "You can…you can both come on board! Nigel, bring the ship around, and you there, get the rope ladder!"

Joker chuckled, sheathing the knife and grinning at her. "Told ya. Piece of cake."

"How dare you make me bleed?" she hissed.

"Aw, c'mon, it's just a scratch," he said. "See?" he said, wiping the trail of blood away with his finger. "No big deal."

"I am not used to being threatened or assaulted!" snapped Harleen.

"Better get used to it, toots," he retorted. "You're with pirates now, remember?"

He suddenly planted a kiss on her throat where he had cut her, and then climbed up the rope ladder. Harleen's rage instantly vanished at the tingling joy in her neck and in her heart as she followed him.


	9. Chapter 9

"Johnny, long time no see! How ya doing, buddy?" asked Joker, climbing over the side onto the ship as the man in the mask glared at him.

"We are not friends, Joker," he snapped. "I picked you up because I had no choice – my honor as a gentleman demanded it. But don't think for one moment that I trust you as far as I can throw you."

"That seems a little harsh," commented Joker. "But fair. Please allow me to introduce Miss Harleen Quinzel," he said, nodding at her as she climbed onto the ship. "I'm holding her for ransom – her father is one of the richest men in Gotham City. Miss Quinzel, this is Jonathan Crane, otherwise known as the Scarecrow."

Crane's jaw dropped upon seeing Harleen, and he raced forward, bowing low and kissing her hand. "My dear lady, welcome aboard the God of Fear," he said sincerely. "If you need anything at all during your time aboard my ship, please do not hesitate to ask. I am at your service."

"Thank you very much, Captain Crane," replied Harleen, delighted at last to have someone treat her as she deserved. "Though I'm afraid I've not heard of you…are you a regular in Gotham's waters?"

"He is, but he ain't real pirate!" chuckled Joker, before Crane could respond.

"I _am _a real pirate!" snapped Crane.

"Really? Plundered a city yet? A town? A ship? Anything?" demanded Joker.

"No," muttered Crane.

"Then you ain't a real pirate," finished Joker.

"Just because my goals and actions are more noble than yours, that does not make me a fake pirate!" snapped Crane. "I have terrorized plenty of people and towns in the interests of science – just because my primary motivation is not monetary gain, it does not discredit my entire career!"

"Johnny's made some kinda fear gas, using magic," explained Joker, gesturing at the vials he was wearing. "Makes you hallucinate whatever you fear the most. He tested it in Gotham for years, but then they tried to hang him for witchcraft."

"It's not magic – it's science!" snapped Crane. "But the ignorant buffoons of Gotham City can't tell the difference! Fortunately I was able to bribe the hangman to engage in a little theatricality – he puts the noose over my neck, pretends to pull the lever, and I disappear in a puff of red smoke, or more accurately, fear toxin. Which increases the fearfulness of my reputation as well as giving the people who condemned me something to scream about. I was able to disappear in the chaos, and fled to sea, to continue my experiments in terror by attacking towns along the coast and witnessing the results, merely in the interests of scientific discovery, and, when necessary, helping myself to some small financial recompense in order to continue my research. But terrorizing the seas with a fearsome reputation makes me a pirate!"

"There should be a word for people like you," said Joker, thoughtfully. "And it ain't a pirate. I'm gonna make one up. How does nerd sound?"

Crane didn't respond, snapping his fingers instead. "Please take him to the brig," he ordered, as several crew-members seized hold of Joker. "He's to be locked up for the remainder of the voyage."

"Ow! Watch the arms and the sunburn, buddy!" he roared.

"Um…Captain Crane, Captain Joker has been on a very uncomfortable voyage trapped on a lifeboat with me and rowing for three days straight," spoke up Harleen suddenly. "Perhaps he could be fed and given something for the pain before he's locked up?"

"Of course, Miss Quinzel, as you wish," said Crane. "Take him to the dining room - he'll be taken to the brig after he's finished eating," he said to the men. "I shall escort Miss Quinzel, if you'll permit me," he said, bowing and offering her his hand.

"I can't imagine what you must have suffered, my dear, trapped on a lifeboat with that horrible man," continued Crane as they headed below deck to the dining room.

"Oh, well…it wasn't as awful as it could have been," replied Harleen, slowly. "He didn't do anything…untoward to me."

Though frankly she wondered if he would have given just a little more time, and she was appalled to find herself wishing that he had.

"Jonathan, you're very nearly late for tea," said a small man in a sugar loaf hat, who was seated at the dining table laden with food. His face fell when he saw the Joker dragged in. "What's he doing here?" he demanded.

"Aw, nice that you brought your boyfriend with you, Johnny," said Joker, grinning at the man. "The months do get lonely at sea."

"He forced me to rescue him by threatening a woman," said Crane, ignoring Joker. "Like the scoundrel he is. Miss Quinzel, permit me to introduce Captain Jervis Tetch, otherwise known as the Mad Hatter, not my boyfriend but rather a fellow pirate and scientific enthusiast. Jervis, this is Miss Harleen Quinzel."

"Charmed, my dear," he said, bowing and kissing her hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Captain Tetch," said Harleen. "Do you and Captain Crane share a ship?"

"We do temporarily, my dear – my ship The Queen Alice was recently sunk by the English Navy," replied Tetch. "I only just managed to escape without being apprehended, like Alice down the rabbit hole."

"Like what?" asked Harleen, confused.

"It's from something that doesn't exist yet," explained Tetch. "Just think of it as nonsense."

"Jervis had been plying his trade in English waters," said Crane, pulling out a chair for Harleen. "Around the coast of Cornwall, near Penzance. But the competition there became too fierce for a man of his code of ethics."

"Yes, I make it a point of never attacking a weaker party than myself," said Tetch. "But when I attacked stronger ones, I invariably got thrashed. Additionally, I make it a point of never hurting orphans – the poor things have had hard enough lives. But word of that got about, and soon everyone I captured claimed to be an orphan. I suspect most of them were lying, but I had to let them all go, on the off chance."

"You got competition in the nerd department, Johnny," commented Joker, sitting down next to Harleen and devouring the food. "But I'll say one thing for you, you boys sure know how to set out a spread. Harley and me are gonna feast like kings after rationing our food supply…"

"What did you call me?" asked Harleen, suddenly.

"Uh…Harley," he said. "Sorry, it's Harleen, isn't it?"

"It's Miss Quinzel!" snapped Crane before Harleen could respond. "How dare you address a lady by her Christian name?! That would imply an intimacy with you that a lady such as herself is not foolish enough to cultivate!"

"Well, I…got to know her pretty well on the lifeboat…that is, we were kinda close," stammered Joker. "And I mean…nothing happened, but I just thought I might know her well enough to call her…"

"Yes," interrupted Harleen. "Yes, of course you can. And…I like Harley."

She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Crane coughed loudly, breaking in on the moment. "Joker is apparently injured from rowing and sunburned, Jervis – do we have something that could help? I want his time in the brig to be as comfortable as possible."

"Well, let's see," said Tetch, heading over to a cabinet and opening it. "Coconut lotion should help with the sunburn, and rest and relaxation should help with the muscle fatigue. If you're going to put him in the brig for the remainder of the voyage, be sure to give him a pillow or two."

"Where are you sailing to, Captain Crane?" asked Harleen, tucking into her meal.

"Arkham Island," replied Crane. "Two-Face said everyone was meeting there to discuss killing the Batman, and Jervis and I thought we'd lend our services in that regard. The man has no respect for scientific progress, judging by how he treated Riddler."

"Terrible tragedy," agreed Tetch. "He wasn't as clever as he fancied himself, but some of his technology was rather wonderful. All lost to us now, though," he sighed.

"That's handy, boys – I was heading to Arkham Island myself!" said Joker. "Need a new ship and a new crew, and I'll probably join in this whole killing Batman thing. Sounds like fun."

"What happened to your ship?" asked Tetch.

"Um…it was…uh…an accident. Powder magazine exploded," invented Joker. "Harley and me were lucky to escape with our lives."

"I heard it was the Batman," said Crane, lightly. "The news is he towed the Clown Prince of Crime back into Gotham, but without its captain."

"Can't trust a rumor, Johnny," said Joker, shaking his head. "People will say anything. Stroke of luck you found us, though."

"It certainly was," agreed Crane. "A storm is coming, Jervis – I told the men to lower the sails and we'll try to wait it out."

"Oh dear," sighed Tetch. "I get terribly seasick during storms."

"Stay in your cabin," said Crane. "And Miss Quinzel must of course have mine."

"Thank you very much, Captain Crane," she said.

They heard a rumble of thunder overhead. "Sounds like it's breaking – I must get on deck," said Crane, standing up. "Jervis will show you to your cabin, Miss Quinzel. And Joker, if you're quite finished…"

He nodded to two crewmen, who hauled Joker to his feet and dragged him off toward the brig. Harleen stared after him, feeling a strange feeling of emptiness at being parted from the man whose constant company she had been in for the past three days…

"Would you like some new clothes, Miss Quinzel?" asked Tetch, breaking her out of her thoughts. "Those are hardly suitable for a young lady, if you'll permit me to say so. I'm a fairly capable tailor and could probably fashion you a new dress and corset…"

"No, thank you, Captain Tetch," interrupted Harleen. "These will do fine for me. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you."

"It's no inconvenience – I need some project to occupy myself with during the storm…"

"I said no thank you!" snapped Harleen. "Forgive me, Captain Tetch, but you've never been packed into a corset. It's not an experience I care to repeat before I have to."

But she would have to, she reminded herself, once this was all over. Once she was returned to Gotham, and her life would go back to the way it was before, reading about other people's adventures and waiting for a husband. Strapped in a corset and locked up again. She had better enjoy her freedom while she could.


	10. Chapter 10

The storm lasted all through the night, but Crane had decided to use the wind to their advantage to speed them along their way. He remained up on deck to help with the navigation, and was frequently joined by Tetch, who spent most of the night being ill over the side of the ship.

Harleen lay in bed, unable to sleep with the constant rocking of the ship and peals of thunder overhead. At last after hours of tossing and turning, she sat up, grabbed a pillow, and then made her way down to the brig in the bowels of the ship.

The Joker lay in one of the cages on a small cot, sound asleep and apparently not disturbed by the rocking of the ship or the storm. "Lucky man to be able to sleep through anything," she muttered, sitting down beside his cage.

"Life at sea, remember?" he muttered. "You learn to sleep through storms but wake up at the slightest out of place noise. Like somebody talking."

"I'm sorry – I didn't mean to wake you," she said.

"It's fine – I'll be asleep again in a second," he replied, yawning.

"I brought you a pillow, in case you weren't comfortable," she continued. "But I can see my gesture was useless."

"Hey, it's the thought that counts," he said. "Thank you, Harley. But I think we've both got used to uncomfortable situations. Haven't we?" he asked, smiling at her.

"I…don't know what you mean," she stammered.

"I mean being stuck in that boat with me day after day," he said. "I think we've both been feeling uncomfortable things because of that."

"Have…have we?" she stammered, her heart beating wildly.

"What, you're telling me you were comfortable now in that boat with the blazing heat and the bitter cold?" he demanded, sitting up.

"Oh, you meant…yes. Yes, it was very uncomfortable," she agreed, hastily.

"What did you think I meant?" he asked.

"I thought…I…" she stammered. "I thought...nothing. Nothing at all, Captain Joker. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return to my cabin…"

"You won't be able to sleep," he interrupted. "Stay."

She had turned to go, but now turned back. "I'd like you to stay," he murmured.

She nodded, feeling herself blushing and grateful for the darkness as she sat down next to the bars on his cell. "It's a pity you're locked up," she said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you must be very uncomfortable behind bars," she said. "Why else?"

"Nothing," he said, quickly. "Silly question, really."

They were silent for a moment. "Y'know this plan we're making to kill the Batman…that's not gonna bother you, is it?" he asked at last.

"Why would it?" she replied.

"I just thought you had the hots for him, is all," he said, shrugging.

"Oh. Well, I…I admire his courage, of course," said Harleen. "He's a hero, but…"

"But?" he prompted.

"But…well, he did force me to share a lifeboat with you," she said. "So my feelings toward him have cooled somewhat."

He laughed. "Well, at least some good came outta it! You can do much better than the Batman, y'know."

"As you say, I doubt he would make me a good husband," she agreed.

"What kinda man would?" he asked. "I mean…when you imagine your future husband…what's he like?"

She smiled, leaning back against the bars. "He's very handsome," she said. "But not everyone can see that. Very strong and very brave. Willing to fight for what he believes in, and for me, naturally. He loves me very much. That's really the only important thing," she said. "The rest is just fancy. As the whole vision is, of course. I'm not likely to get a husband now, and I should resign myself to that fact."

"Well, Johnny seems pretty keen," chuckled Joker. "I'm sure he'd propose if you asked him to."

"Captain Crane?" she asked, puzzled. "I didn't notice…"

"Then you must be blind, toots!" he laughed. "C'mon, you telling me you can't see when a guy fancies you?"

"No, I…I can't," she stammered. "But Captain Crane barely knows me!"

"I think at his age, he'll just take what he can get so he won't die alone," chuckled Joker.

"Is he much older than you?" she asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded. "I ain't old!"

"I didn't mean to imply that you were!" she protested. "Anyway, age doesn't matter to me in a man, not really!"

"So you're saying that if he proposed, you'd consider accepting?" he said.

"Of course not!" she snapped. "He's a pirate!"

"Oh yeah. I forgot you were racist against pirates," he chuckled, lying back down. "Anyway, I think Johnny hardly counts as a pirate. And he'd probably make you a good husband. Probably fawn all over you, and you said that was the only really important thing for you in a man."

"I don't want a fawning man," she said. "A man doesn't have to behave like that to show me that he loves me very much."

"What would he have to do?" he asked, quietly.

"Well, he'd…he'd have to clearly state his feelings, or very obviously make them known," said Harleen. "Because clearly I can't tell when a man is interested. And if…if he was…if a man felt that way about me…I would hope he would have the courage to express himself."

"What if he was a pirate?" he asked.

"Even then," she said, her heart hammering in her chest. "I would…like to know, all the same. Even if there was no hope of him making me a good husband. Maybe…if he loved me enough…that wouldn't really matter either."

She waited for a response, but there was none. "Captain Joker?" she asked.

Then she heard him snore – he had fallen asleep again. She stood up, furious, and then threw the pillow through the bars at him, waking him again.

"What was that for?" he snapped.

"We were in the middle of a conversation!" she snapped. "A very important conversation!"

"What important conversation?" he asked. "I thought we were just hypothetically speculating about your future husband! It got boring pretty fast!"

"And I thought we were talking about…never mind! Just…goodnight, Captain Joker!" she hissed, heading for the door.

"Harley, c'mere!" he snapped. She glared at him, storming back to his cell.

"What?" she demanded.

He held out a hand to her, and she took it. He jerked her forward, slamming her against the bars of the cell as his other arm came about her neck. And then he kissed her, deeply, his tongue invading her mouth and making her body explode with a thousand new, incredible feelings, like fireworks going off in the pit of her stomach.

"That obvious enough for ya?" he whispered as he drew away, grinning.

She stared at him, stunned. And then she slapped him hard across the face. "How dare you?!" she gasped. "You presumptuous piece of pirate scum! How dare you kiss me?!"

"You said you'd want a guy to express himself…" he began.

"Not like that!" she exclaimed. "Are you some kind of animal?! A man does not just kiss a lady on the mouth like that – he courts her! Woos her with words! After they're engaged, they may share a few light kisses before their marriage, and on their wedding day, but not like that!"

"Sorry, I thought you'd like it…" he began.

"Like it?!" she shrieked. "I am not some cheap tart who enjoys being mauled like an animal! How dare you say such a thing?! How dare you do such a thing?! I'm glad we were rescued when we were, or I'd fear for my honor with a man like you around taking such liberties!"

"I just thought…from the way you were talking...you kinda wanted me to…"

"I wanted no such thing! Especially not from some…some…murdering, horrible, evil pirate! I bid you goodnight, sir!" she snapped, storming from the room.

She returned to her cabin and collapsed onto the bed, trying to retain her feelings of indignation. But the feelings that dominated her were ones of excitement and desire. She _had_ wanted him to do that, although she could never admit it to him. She had wanted him to do that and more…

Her angry overreaction was really directed at herself rather than him. She had been taught that a lady shouldn't enjoy such things, or want such things, but she did, she wanted them terribly. She wanted _him _terribly. And she knew her desires were wrong, so she took them out on him, rather than herself. He was to blame for this – his degeneracy had obviously influenced her in some way. He knew it, and he was trying to take advantage of her. He had deserved to be slapped, and he had deserved every name she had called him…

But as she curled up on her bed, she shut her eyes and remembered how wonderful it had felt, remembered the taste of him, and the feelings he had conjured up inside her. She had never felt so happy and alive in her life...

Which was horrible and wrong, she reminded herself. He was a pirate. He could never make her a good husband. She couldn't allow herself to fall in love with a pirate…

But somewhere inside her a nagging voice told her that it was probably too late for that.


	11. Chapter 11

"Land ho!" were the words that awoke Harleen the next morning. She opened her eyes, remembering what had happened last night, and felt a flush of excitement again.

There was a knocking on her door. "Miss Quinzel? Are you awake? And decent?"

"Yes, come in!" she called, climbing out of bed.

Captain Crane opened the door. "We'll be putting into port soon," he said.

"Thank you, Captain," she said. "Could I kindly request that you keep Captain Joker safely locked up until I am on land? I have no desire to associate with that man again if I can help it."

Crane frowned. "Did something happen last night?" he asked. "You seemed very amiable before – not that I'm complaining about keeping the Joker locked up, or your change of heart," he added, hastily.

"Let's just say that a beast like him belongs in a cage," she snapped. "And that's all I would care to comment on the subject."

Crane nodded. "If you'll permit me, I will escort you personally around Arkham Island. It's rather a…liberated place, and it's simply crawling with pirates."

"Wonderful," sighed Harleen, rolling her eyes. "I shall be exceptionally thankful after all this to be back among civilized company upon my return to Gotham."

"Well, as I said, please do allow me to escort you and look after you on Arkham," said Crane. "For whatever you need. Anything at all, really."

"Thank you, Captain Crane. I shall be very grateful for the company of a gentleman," said Harleen.

He smiled. "Permit me to escort you onto the deck?" he asked, holding out his arm.

Harleen took it, following him up into the fresh air and sunlight. The crew were shouting to each other as they made preparations to dock, and Harleen saw Arkham Island fast approaching. It looked like nothing more than a collection of run-down buildings and ships, a shanty town, but nothing particularly dangerous.

It was only after they disembarked that she saw the whole place was chaos. It was mid-morning, but drunks wandered the streets, brawling with each other, sometimes with more than just fists. Gunshots rang out constantly, and shouting and drunken singing filled the air. There were street women hawking their wares or engaged in public, making no effort to hide their actions. Harleen tried not to stare, and kept her eyes resolutely fixed on the ground.

They entered a tavern called _The Asylum_, which was crammed with people. Harleen gagged on the scent of smoke, liquor, and unwashed bodies as Crane escorted her protectively over toward a table in the corner.

"Johnny!" shouted a familiar voice, and Harleen turned to see Two-Face standing up. "You made it! And…Miss Quinzel," he said, recognizing her in surprise. "I thought you'd been rescued when the Batman took J's ship."

"I wish that had been true, Mr. Dent," replied Harleen. "But the scoundrel kidnapped me again and forced me into a lifeboat with him when he escaped."

"I picked them up on my way here," continued Crane. "And took the liberty of looking after Miss Quinzel's welfare here personally, since one can't trust a man like the Joker to do that sort of thing."

Two-Face shrugged. "Just be sure to give her back when you leave. J ain't gonna let anybody else steal his hostage."

"Speak of the devil," said Crane, nodding as familiar figure made his way through the crowd, followed by Jervis Tetch.

"You can stop stalking me, runt – I'm a free man," snapped Joker, sitting down at the table. He didn't look at Harleen, and she ignored him too. "Even if certain people think I should be locked up, they ain't the law, and they ain't got any power. Certainly not here, where not even the law has power."

"You do deserve to be locked up," retorted Harleen, avoiding his eyes. "You've committed a long list of hangable offenses, I'm sure…"

"I didn't know it was a crime to kiss a girl!" he snapped.

"It should be when you assault her mouth like an animal, completely against her will!" shrieked Harleen. "I don't know where your filthy tongue has been, and I certainly didn't want it in my mouth!"

"Wow…too much information there," muttered Two-Face.

Crane stared at Joker, aghast. "You…you kissed her…with your…with your…how dare you?!"

"Oh, lighten up, Johnny – pirates usually do much worse!" snapped Joker. "Not that you'd know, because you ain't a real pirate, and neither is your boyfriend!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" yelled Crane, lunging forward to punch Joker.

"Stop! Stop fighting!" snapped Tetch, pulling Joker back as Harleen grabbed Crane. "This meeting is about us working together as a team, isn't that right, Harvey?"

"Ideally," agreed Two-Face.

"So let's just put aside our differences for the greater good, and not squabble like Tweedledum and Tweedledee over a rattle," snapped Tetch, nodding.

They all looked at him. "It's from something that hasn't been written yet," he repeated.

"Cut the crap and let's get down to business," said Joker. "Who else is joining us for this attack on Batman, Harvey?"

"So far, it's…just us," admitted Two-Face slowly. "But frankly I think we stand a pretty good chance – Crane and Tetch have got scientific tricks and technology, and you and me can bring the muscle, J. But I'd actually feel more comfortable if we had one more pirate on our side to bring her own special skills along. Even though I know it's bad luck traditionally to have a woman on board…"

"Better not let Johnny back on a ship, then!" chuckled Joker. "But you mean Catwoman, right? You want her to lure the Bat as only a woman can?"

"Selina said no," retorted Two-Face. "She said she'd rather be on his side. Can you imagine that, from a fellow pirate?"

"Well, when a dame has the hots for a guy, she's pretty irrational," chuckled Joker. "I should know – Catwoman's had a thing for me for years."

"I have not," snapped a voice from behind them. Harleen turned to see a woman dressed all in black, with a tight black shirt and trousers, wearing a black cat mask and holding a whip. "Harvey, still trying to round up losers for your doomed plan to kill Batman?" she asked with a grin. "I can see you've hit the loser jackpot."

"Selina," growled Two-Face. "Since you've already refused to join in, I'd kindly ask you to be on your way."

"Aw, giving me the cold shoulder when you were so friendly before?" she purred, heading over to him and sliding her whip along his face. "I'm hurt."

"Beat it, pussy!" snapped Two-Face, shoving her away. "This is private business for men only!"

"Yeah? Then who's the girl?" she asked, looking at Harleen. "Doesn't have the look of a pirate."

"That's because she ain't a pirate – she's my hostage," snapped Joker.

"Hmm. Taking hostages is so unlike you, J," said Selina, heading over to him. "What is it about this girl that makes her so special? Pretty, innocent-looking thing, isn't she?"

"Yeah, maybe that's my type," agreed Joker. "Sorry to disappoint you, kitty. I know pussy's been pining for me during the cold, lonely months at sea…"

Catwoman punched him in the face. "I'd rather do a Kraken," she retorted.

"And you probably have…" began Joker, but he gasped in pain as Catwoman kicked him sharply in the groin.

"Get used to having your ass, and every other part of you, kicked, J," she hissed. "Batman's gonna hand them to you on a silver platter. And I look forward to hearing all about it."

She sauntered out of the tavern. "Yeah…I'm glad we ain't working with her…" gasped Joker, trying to recover himself. "But if you don't mean Selina, what female pirate do you…"

He trailed off. "Oh no, not her," he muttered. "Not the Sea Witch."

"She'll kill us all along with Batman!" exclaimed Crane. "You know how she hates men!"

"She doesn't hate me," retorted Two-Face. "We had a thing a few years back. And sometimes we still exchange favors from time to time, if you get what I'm saying," he added, smiling.

"You mean she doesn't kill after mating?" asked Joker. "Because I heard that rumor, and I believed it."

"No, she doesn't," retorted Two- Face. "And she doesn't have any great love for Batman. Her particular skill set would really help us out."

"If we want a hot woman to seduce the Bat, why wouldn't we just make Harley do it?" demanded Joker.

"I am not seducing anyone!" shrieked Harleen.

"I wasn't talking about her skill at seduction!" snapped Two-Face. "I was talking about the whole plant thing! Magic powers like that are really gonna come in handy against an almost supernatural guy!"

Joker said nothing. "Is she…around?"

"Her ship's anchored here," said Two-Face, nodding. "There's a rumor she's holed up in the swamp somewhere. If we follow the trail of weird plants and dead men, I'm betting we can find her."

"And what makes you think she won't just kill us before we can reach her?" asked Tetch.

"Simple," said Two-Face. "We bring the girl. She doesn't harm girls," he added, nodding at Harleen.

Joker nodded slowly. "It…might work," he agreed. "Or we might all die."

"Fifty fifty odds," agreed Two-Face, pulling out his coin. "Which is a chance I'm willing to take. How about the rest of you?"

Everyone nodded, and Two-Face flipped the doubloon. It landed good side up on the table. "That's settled then," he muttered. "We're gonna find Poison Ivy."


	12. Chapter 12

"Why is this woman called Poison Ivy?" asked Harleen, as they rowed through the swamp. "Or is it the Sea Witch?"

"She has many names," replied Tetch. "I believe she chose the name Poison Ivy, but most men call her the Sea Witch, because of her strange and inexplicable powers over all kinds of plants. She can control them like magic, and they do her bidding, whether it's steering her ship or killing men. She hates men, and slaughters them on sight most of the time."

"Why?" asked Harleen, puzzled. "I admit there are some scoundrels out there," she added, glaring at Joker, who ignored her. "But why should all men suffer the same fate?"

"Nobody knows," replied Tetch. "There are stories that a man turned her into what she is today. That she loved him and trusted him and gave up everything for him and…he betrayed her. So she offered her soul to the heathen gods for the power to avenge herself on him, and on all men."

"Do you believe that?" asked Harleen. "As a man of science, I mean."

Tetch was silent. "I believe that there are things in this world that science cannot yet explain. And Poison Ivy is one of them."

Harleen felt a chill crawl down her spine, but that could just be the fog in the air, she thought. The swamp was thick with impenetrable mist, the only sound being the dip of the oars in the water as Two-Face rowed, and the occasional creepy call of some wild bird or animal.

The boat suddenly knocked against something, and Two-Face glanced over the side. "J, come look at this," he said.

The Joker joined him, and Harleen peeked over the side too. Her heart lurched in horror when she saw the corpse of a man in the water, entangled in the weeds which were wrapped tightly around his neck and came out of his mouth.

"We're getting close," muttered Joker.

"I think I'm going to be sick," whispered Crane.

"Over the side, Johnny!" snapped Joker.

"What happens…if this Poison Ivy sees us coming?" whispered Harleen. "And attacks us before we can even speak to her?"

"Then you'll need to talk to her for us," retorted Two-Face. "Her plants don't attack women. If we get…tied up in them, you're gonna have to get us outta it before we end up like him," he said, nodding back at the corpse.

Harleen gulped, her heart beating in terror. "Probably won't even bother if they get me, huh?" chuckled Joker. "Since I deserve to be hanged for kissing you and all."

"No man deserves that," whispered Harleen.

"All men deserve that," said a strange voice, apparently from the air around them. "And all men who trespass in my territory receive that."

She heard a choking sound, and screamed as weeds suddenly rose out of the water, like the tentacles of an octopus, wrapping themselves around the men in the boat and dragging them down toward the water. She watched in horror for a moment, and then her eyes fixed on the Joker gasping and struggling against the choking plant, and desperation prompted her to act.

"Stop it!" she shrieked, standing up. "Stop it, please! Please don't hurt these men! They've done nothing to you – they want your help!"

"I don't help destroyers of nature, and of women!" hissed the voice.

"I'm a woman, and they haven't hurt me," she pleaded. "They all had many opportunities to…but they didn't. And they don't want to hurt you. Please release them. They only want to talk to you."

The voice didn't respond, and Harleen's desperation grew as she saw Joker dragged completely under the water, still struggling against the strangling plant. "No!" she shrieked, grabbing hold of his hand, which was the only part of him still above water. "No, I won't let you do this! Please…please don't make another woman suffer the way you've suffered…by taking away the man she loves."

The plants released them all suddenly, disappearing into the water again. Joker burst out of the water, gasping for air, and Harleen threw herself into his arms.

"Oh God, I thought I'd lost you!" she whispered, tears trailing down her face as she hugged him tightly.

He returned the hug slowly, surprised at her display of affection, but not at all displeased by it.

"To love men is to suffer, girl," said the voice from behind them. They turned to see a stunningly beautiful woman, with long red hair and green skin. She was dressed in a long, green gown that appeared to be made of seaweed, and tendrils of kelp and sea ferns decorated her hair. "But I will not add to your pain," she continued. "They are safe, and they may speak with me. Come," she said, beckoning them.

"What the hell was that, Pammie?!" demanded Two-Face, massaging his throat, as she led them into a small hut made from plants, and filled with all kinds of flora. "Why would you try to kill _me_, of all people?!"

"Please do not assume that just because we have had physical relations in the past that I care for you any more than I care for any other sack of walking meat, Harvey!" snapped the woman. "When I want you, my plants send for you, and you are granted safe passage. When I do not, they will treat you the same as any other man trying to access my lair without authorization, as will I! And please do not make the mistake of assuming you are indispensable to me! I can always find another man to have physical relations with. No man can resist Poison Ivy," she hissed, taking a seat on a bed of moss.

"After that display, I kinda think I can," gasped Joker, who was helped into the hut by leaning against Harleen. "And I think I can probably speak for Johnny and Jervis too, not that they're really into women anyway."

"I would punch you, but I can barely stand," retorted Crane, as he and Tetch hobbled into the hut and collapsed.

Ivy gestured, and vines came forward, bringing them each a shell cup filled with a strange-smelling liquid. "Drink it - it will help you recover your strength," she said. "And once you have, I would ask that you say what you have come to say, and then be gone."

"There's no foreplay with you, toots, is there? I guess that's why you think men like you," chuckled Joker.

"Men do like me," she murmured. "I can make them my willing slaves with just a kiss. Don't tempt me to do the same to you."

"I'd like to see you try!" chuckled Joker.

"No, don't," said Harleen quickly, stepping between them as Ivy leaned forward. "Let's just…do what she says."

"We want your help in killing the Batman," muttered Two-Face. "Your kinda powers could be invaluable to us in defeating him. He's just a man. And you're…so much more than a woman."

She leaned back, smiling. "You always knew how to flatter, Harvey," she said. "That's one of the things I enjoy most about you as my lover. Not to mention your impressive manhood."

"Thanks, but it'll take more than a little flattery to get back in my good books after you tried to strangle me," hissed Two-Face.

"My babies weren't trying to strangle you," she retorted, as she began stroking the vines that gathered around her. "They were trying to drown you."

"Right, big difference," agreed Two-Face, rolling his eyes.

"They were protecting me," she continued, ignoring him. "My children love me, and don't want to see me hurt. They are not men."

"You know who else is a man? Batman," said Joker. "So you'll wanna take him down, right? Girl power and all that…"

Ivy said nothing, turning her attention to Harleen. "You, girl," she said. "Why are you here among these men? Why do you want to kill the Batman?"

"I…I don't, really," stammered Harleen. "I don't want to kill anyone. I just want…"

She was about to say "to go home," but she looked at Joker suddenly and realized she didn't want that. She didn't want to leave him. She wanted to stay with him forever, to help him, and make him smile. She wanted to marry him, as crazy as that sounded, taking a pirate as a husband…

"I…want…to be happy," she whispered. "And free. And the Batman…thinks it is his business to stop people who want to be free. He thinks he has the right to be judge, jury, and executioner, to lock free men up and send them to their deaths. He has no right to do that. He has no right to steal Captain Joker's ship – that makes him a pirate as much as anybody here. But he pretends to be better – he pretends to be a hero. He needs to be shown the error of his ways, that no man…or woman, has the right to tell anybody else how to live their own life."

She turned to Ivy. "I used to think that I had to fall in line with the beliefs and attitudes of society, that I had to act a certain way and think a certain way and dress a certain way. But I've met people, men and women," she said, nodding at her. "Who know that it is madness to live a life that is not yours, to act and think and dress a way that your heart tells you not to. And my heart…" She turned back to the Joker. "My heart finally knows what it wants. It wants to have the freedom to choose the life I want to live. And that's why the Batman must be stopped. Because if he has his way, he will drag me, and all of us, back to Gotham in chains. Metaphorical chains on my part, although a corset is not far off," she added, smiling. "But I will not be chained up again. I know what it is to be free now. And I will not let the Batman take that away from me, or any of us."

Everyone just stared at her, and then Ivy stood up. "You were wise to bring her with you," she said, smiling at Harleen. "She has saved your lives, and she has enlisted my help in defeating the Batman. I would make sure she is shown the gratitude she deserves."

Vines held the door open for them. "I will see you tomorrow at the docks," she said. "My ship The Deadly Rose is anchored there – you will recognize it easily. We will meet there to discuss strategies, and then we plan our attack. Make your preparations and gather your crew. For the Batman will be dead before the next full moon."

The men shuffled out, and Ivy hugged Harleen suddenly. "I will see you tomorrow, my sister," she whispered, smiling at her. "It is good to meet someone else who understands. Although I question your choice of lover," she added as Joker left.

"Oh, he's…not my lover," she stammered, blushing. "That is, we haven't…done anything...that lovers might do. I haven't even told him I love him. Mostly I've just denied it, to him and to myself."

"I see," said Ivy. She shrugged. "Perhaps that is for the best, though. He is a pirate, after all."

"Yes," agreed Harleen, gazing after him. "Yes, he is."


	13. Chapter 13

"Can I buy you a drink, Miss Quinzel?" asked Two-Face, as they all re-entered _The Asylum_ later that night. "Pammie's right – you did save all our lives. It's really the least I can do."

"Oh…no, thank you, Mr. Dent, I tend not to drink," she replied. "I'm certainly not that fond of rum anyway," she added, grinning at Joker.

"I'm getting one anyway," said Two-Face. "J?"

"You don't even need to ask, Harvey," he replied.

"Johnny? Jervis?"

"Thank you, but…it's been a very difficult day," said Tetch. "I think we'd both just like to return to our ship, have a hot bath, and go to bed."

"Obviously not together," added Crane. "But yes, I agree with Jervis. And my dear Miss Quinzel, we are indebted to you," he said, bowing low and kissing Harleen's hand. "I am even more at your service than I was before, so please if you think of any task whatsoever…"

"Thank you, Captain Crane," said Harleen, smiling. "I will remember. Goodnight to you both."

They headed from the tavern. "Johnny's got it bad, huh?" asked Two-Face.

"Yeah, but he ain't got a chance," commented Joker. "Miss Quinzel has no love of pirates."

Two-Face headed off to get the drinks, leaving Joker and Harleen alone. They sat in silence for a moment, and then both began speaking at once, "I just wanted to say…"

They both paused. "You first, please," said Harleen.

"Um…I just wanted to say thanks," he said, shrugging. "You did a good job against the psycho plant-lover. And what you said about…about us…well, it was nice."

"Thank you," she said, blushing.

"What did you want to say?" he asked.

"I…uh…wanted to say that…I'm sorry for everything I said last night, and how I treated you this morning," she said. "The truth is…I did want you to kiss me, and I did enjoy it. But…I was scared. I was scared of feeling things I was taught never to feel, things I was taught it was wrong to feel. But…when I almost lost you today…I suddenly realized that it didn't matter anymore. I would rather be thought of as the most shameful woman alive than pretend I didn't…love you."

He stared at her. "Are you saying…you do?" he stammered.

She nodded, blushing. "It's madness to love a pirate, I know," she said. "But I can't help it. And I can't deny it anymore, either to you or to myself. I…love you."

She felt such joy at saying that, joy that only increased as he smiled, and then leaned forward to kiss her again.

"There ya go, J, straight rum," said Two-Face, putting the mug down and breaking in on the moment. He looked from one to the other. "Sorry, am I interrupting something?"

"No," said Joker, standing up suddenly. "Let me go speak to the landlady over there about getting me and Miss Quinzel two rooms for tonight. Excuse me."

He headed off, leaving Harleen and Two-Face alone. "So…you and J," said Two-Face, taking a swig of his mug. "You wanna explain that to me?"

"Explain…what?" she asked, puzzled.

"What the attraction is," he replied. "I mean, I know you've spent a lotta time with him and all, but I've spent time with him too, and frankly it's just made me wanna spend less time with him. Plus this is the guy who kidnapped you. It just doesn't make a lotta sense."

"I'm…not sure what you're implying," she stammered.

Two-Face chuckled. "I got eyes," he said, smiling at her. "I've seen the way you look at him. You're crazy about him. It's written all over your face, in every glance and every word to him. Even when you pretend like you're all angry at him, your real feelings shine through."

"Well…what's the attraction for you and Poison Ivy?" asked Harleen.

"What, didn't you see her?" demanded Two-Face. "She's hot!"

"Is that all it is between you?" she asked. "A physical attraction, with no feeling behind it?"

"I think that's what it is to her," agreed Two-Face. "Less so for me. But I ain't crazy enough to think she'll ever change her mind, so I'll take what I can get. Even if she can be a little homicidal."

"You're actually going to forgive a woman for nearly killing you?" demanded Harleen.

He shrugged. "Sure. Don't tell me J's been a perfect gentleman to you from the moment you met him, but that still doesn't put you off. If you love somebody, you can forgive a lotta bad things about them. Even if they try to kill you sometimes," he added with a grin. "Some people are worth being crazy for."

"This tavern is right to be named _The Asylum_," snapped Harleen. "There are a lot of lunatics in it."

"Including yourself, Miss Quinzel," he said, raising his mug to her. "Welcome to the madhouse."

Before she could respond, the Joker came back over. "Miss Leland says there's only one room available at the moment," he said. "So Harley, you have that, and Harv, if I could steal a bunk on your ship…"

"No, we can share," said Harleen, hastily. "I mean…we shared a lifeboat that was smaller than a room before. I'm sure it will be fine."

Joker shrugged. "Your call," he said.

She stood up. "I'll just…head there now. You finish your drink," she said, heading for the stairs, her heart pounding.

She opened the door to the room, her eyes fixing on the bed. It was big enough that they would probably never have to even make contact…but she desperately wanted to make contact.

She had almost lost the Joker today. And what Two-Face had said, about people who were worth being crazy for, that was true. And those people were worth sacrificing everything for. She was tired of denying her feelings and living a lie. She wanted to express her feelings to him, to just let go of all her inhibitions and years of shaming and just show him how much she loved him.

She lit the candle by the bed and took her boots off slowly. She had been told how important it was to protect her honor, how she should save it until her wedding night…but suddenly nothing seemed less important than her honor. It was an unfulfilling, intangible concept that she tried so hard to care about, but right now all she cared about was him.

The door opened and the Joker stood there, and she was no longer hesitant. He shut the door, and then began pulling off his coat. "I'll…uh…make up a bed on the floor…" he began.

"No," she interrupted. "No, you…you don't have to do that."

She stood up, coming over to him and putting her arms around his neck. "You'll notice I've not torn your clothes," she murmured, grinning. "Now would you like to take them off me?"

He stared at her. "Kid…are you drunk?" he asked.

"Of course not! You saw me – I didn't touch a drop!" she snapped.

"Well, it's just…I kissed you last night and you read me the riot act, and now you're acting like you want me to…to…"

"Take my honor," she whispered.

"Right, that," he agreed. "So you can see why I might be a little…confused…"

"That was a request," she whispered. "Take my honor. Tonight. Please."

He looked at the sincerity in her eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I mean, I know how important it is to you, since you keep going on about it and all…I thought you wanted to save it for your husband."

"I don't care about a husband anymore," she said. "I'm not sure I even want one. All I want is…you."

She gazed into his eyes, and he slowly kissed her. It was gentle this time, searching, almost asking for permission. Harleen decided to give it to him – she seized his face in her hands and thrust her tongue into his mouth.

"Oh, you like that now, huh?" he chuckled.

"I liked it then," she whispered, grinning. "And you know what else I liked?"

She pulled his shirt off. "God, the way you tempted me on that boat – it's a wonder I could resist you as long as I did," she whispered, running a hand down his chest.

"Mmm, I always knew there was a bad girl inside you," he whispered. "And the more prim and proper you were, the more I just wanted to bring it out."

He kissed her again, pressing her down on the bed as his tongue trailed down her neck. "And now lemme see yours," he chuckled, pulling off her own shirt.

Harleen flushed in embarrassment, but was relieved at the look of excitement in his eyes. "Oh, that's way better than a shirtless fat guy," he whispered.

She giggled, and he grinned. "I didn't know you giggled," he chuckled. "But I like it."

He kissed her and Harleen knew that this was right. Everything they did that night felt right.

"So how does it feel to be honorless, toots?" he chuckled as he held her in his arms later. "Any different?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "I feel a lot lighter. Freer. Happier," she whispered, kissing him softly.

"Me too," he murmured. "And I'm glad I didn't hang Rocco and Jerry for kidnapping you. Although it's possible they have been hanged for piracy back in Gotham…"

"I hope not," she said. "But I guess we won't be going back there to find out. Unless…you still want to exchange me for my father's money," she added, tentatively.

He laughed. "I ain't that crazy, toots," he retorted, planting a kiss on her lips. "I can always get more gold plundering the seven seas. I only got one priceless treasure."

Harleen beamed. "You're everything I ever wanted, you know," she whispered, touching his face. "Strong, brave…"

"Pirate?" he suggested.

"That's an added bonus," she replied, grinning. "Handsome," she continued. "Although not everyone can see that."

She ran a hand down his cheek, caressing his white skin. "What…did happen to you?" she asked.

He sighed. "An…accident," he muttered. "It was a long time ago. We were sailing…off the coast of this island way out in the Pacific. We called it Ace Island, because the captain had buried his huge treasure there. His ace in the hole, if you will. I was just another of his pirate crew then, and me and some of the men went aboard the island with the captain to dig up the gold. The moment we did…the captain tried to kill us. He wanted to share the treasure with as few people as possible. Well, he shot the other men, but I managed to escape, running into the jungle. I could hear him running after me, and I was scared and…not looking where I was going…and…I fell. Into this…pit of water. Only…it wasn't water, it was something…else. Something that bleached my skin and gave me green hair and a perpetual smile. I still don't know what it was."

Harleen was silent. "What happened to the captain?" she asked, quietly.

He smiled. "I crawled outta that pit later that night when everyone on board the ship was asleep. I put a bullet in the captain's head and commandeered his vessel. The crew didn't object – they were too scared of the way I looked. They thought I had…come back from the dead, or been dragged through hell, or some other piece of nonsense. I decided to use it to my advantage. Pirates are a superstitious, cowardly lot, y'know."

"Some of them," she agreed. "Not my Captain Joker."

He chuckled, kissing her again. "It sounds so weird for you to call me that now, after all we've been through."

"What would you rather I called you?" she asked.

"I dunno – something more personal," he said. "Everyone calls me Captain Joker, or J…"

"Cap'n J?" she suggested.

"Mmm, cute," he said, grinning. "Just like you," he added, kissing her nose. "Now go to sleep, or we'll be too tired to meet your weed friend tomorrow."

"Aye aye, Cap'n J," she whispered, smiling at him as she lay down in his arms.

He laughed again, blowing the candle out and then holding her against him. Harleen once again felt the overwhelming safety and warmth of his embrace, and for the first time in her life, she dropped off to sleep with a smile on her face.


	14. Chapter 14

"It's just a hunch, but I'm betting this is Ivy's ship," commented the Joker the next day, as they stood on the docks in front of a huge hulk covered in kelp and seaweed. A black flag with a skull and crossed bones wrapped in roses and thorns adorned the mast.

"Curiouser and curiouser," commented Tetch, touching the side of the ship. "It's like the whole vessel is a living entity…"

He jumped back as the seaweed rose threateningly. "Which…obviously does not like to be disturbed," he finished.

"J, you look exhausted," said Two-Face, arriving on the scene from his ship. "You too, Miss Quinzel."

"Uh…yeah. We…uh…didn't get much sleep last night, Harvey," murmured Joker, smiling at Harleen as he slid his hand onto her bottom. Such a crude gesture would have previously been met with a slap and a lecture, but instead Harleen just smiled back, kissing his cheek.

Crane just glared at them. "Even as a pirate, I don't get the girl," he muttered.

"Maybe if you were a real pirate you would, Johnny," replied Joker, smiling at him.

"I _am _a real pirate!" he hissed.

"Morning, boys!" called Ivy cheerfully, appearing from below deck suddenly. "Climb aboard!"

"Bet that's what she says to you, huh, Harvey?" chuckled Joker as they walked up the gangplank onto Ivy's ship. "You know, normally I don't casually associate with people who try to kill me, but for you, plant lady, I'll make an exception!" he said, slapping her on the back.

"If you touch me again, I'll have my babies choke the life out of you," she growled. "But you're certainly in an exceptionally good mood this morning."

"I sure am, toots," replied Joker, grinning. "You look at this little lady and tell me why I shouldn't be!" he asked, nodding at Harleen. "What more could a pirate ask for?"

"Ah. I see you told him about your feelings," said Ivy to Harleen.

"Did a little more than that," admitted Harleen, with a giggle.

"Doesn't she have the cutest giggle?" cooed Joker, kissing her. "Did you ever think you'd hear a giggle coming outta that pretty, prim mouth of hers?"

"Didn't have much to giggle about before, Cap'n J," she purred. "Waiting around to be married off, and then kidnapped by pirates. I didn't know he'd be such a dirty, naughty, bad pirate though…"

"Could you two not act all loved up, please?" demanded Crane. "I'm already uncomfortable enough floating on a living plant!"

"She's a faster ship than yours, or anyone else's," retorted Ivy.

He laughed dryly. "My dear lady, I highly doubt that. My ship's rudder is equipped with a spinning fan that acts as a sort of propeller – it's how we were able to navigate to Arkham so quickly."

"Machines are no match for Mother Nature," replied Ivy, coolly. "I promise you, in a race around the island, my ship would win."

"Well, challenge accepted, Miss Ivy!" snapped Crane. "I'll race you around the island right now!"

"I want in on that action!" exclaimed Two-Face. "Let's wager something good – whoever loses buys everyone here two rounds of drinks!"

"Done," snapped Crane. "Come along, Jervis – you'll need to help me steer."

"This is a terrible idea, Jonathan," said Tetch as they left Ivy's ship. "If we win, Miss Ivy is sure to be furious, and I honestly don't want to anger a woman who tried to kill us with no provocation yesterday."

"I've suffered enough seeing Miss Quinzel with that monster today, Jervis, and thinking about what he's done to her – I need some small victory to lift my spirits," snapped Crane. "And humiliating that know-it-all Sea Witch should be just the thing!"

"There is nothing I enjoy more than humiliating men, y'know," sighed Ivy, happily, as she headed for the helm of her ship. "Unless it's killing men. Harvey, would you kindly wait on shore and referee? Not that I don't trust the clown, of course, but…I don't trust the clown."

"You should – I don't care who wins this," retorted Joker. "I'm completely unbiased for once, since you're both losers. But I do need to go round up a ship and a crew for the big Bat attack, so I'll leave you ladies to your race. And I include Johnny and Jervis when I say ladies," he chuckled.

Harleen was about to follow him. "No, you stay here, Harley," he said, pushing her gently back. "I'll be dealing with some rough guys, and I don't want them to get any ideas about you. You do kinda have an irresistible effect even on the most hardened of pirates, y'know," he chuckled, kissing her.

She beamed. "Well, they'll have to see me sometime, since I'll be sailing with you. Won't I?" she asked, nervously.

"Yeah, but no need to spoil the surprise," he replied, smiling. "Until I introduce you on the ship as the Captain's prize, for his personal use only."

"She's not a prize – she's a woman," snapped Ivy. "And she deserves to be treated with respect, from you as well as the crew."

"Well, I…kinda like being the Captain's prize, Miss Ivy," stammered Harleen, blushing at Joker. "That makes me feel kinda…special."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, Harley – I'll try to help you find a backbone during our time together," she sighed. "You can leave, clown," she snapped, glaring at Joker. "I don't like you already."

"And the feeling's mutual, toots!" chuckled Joker. "But look after my Harley girl now. She's a very precious treasure of mine."

"You like him calling you an object?" demanded Ivy, as Joker kissed Harleen once more and then headed back toward town.

"Yeah," agreed Harleen. "Is that wrong?"

Ivy sighed. "You liberate yourself from social conventions only to throw yourself right back into them, and become a man's property. You might as well be his wife – that's female slavery at its finest."

"Well, I'd…certainly like to be his wife one day," whispered Harleen, smiling after him.

She snorted. "Why would you want to be Mrs. Joker when you could just forge a new identity for yourself?"

"Such as?" asked Harleen.

She shrugged. "I don't know. What's your name?"

"Harleen Quinzel," she replied.

Ivy thought for a few moments. "Well, if you wanted to be similar to the clown, why not go with something like…Harley Quinn? So you're associated with him, but still very much your own character, your own woman. I would never tie myself to a man by taking his name, I'd never be Mrs…Mrs…"

"Dent?" suggested Harleen.

She glared at her. "No," she snapped, glancing at Two-Face on the dock. "I would never be Mrs. Dent."

"Can we get on with this?" shouted Two-Face. "I'm thirsty!"

"When you're ready, Mr. Dent!" snapped Crane, bringing his ship around next to Ivy's.

"Pam?" Two-Face asked, looking at her.

"Ready," said Ivy, nodding. "Harley, you'd better go – this is going to be fast."

"Can't I stay?" asked Harleen. "I've never been on something…really fast before."

"You might get sick," pointed out Ivy.

Harleen smiled. "I've been on a ship in a storm, and a ship under attack. I think I'll be fine."

Ivy shrugged. "Up to you. Let's go, Harvey!" she called.

"All right, when I take off my hat, you start. Once around the island and back here. Ready? Set? Go!"

It was true Harleen had been on a few ships before, and was used to the speed of them. What she was not used to was being ripped through the water at high speed with the aid of sea plants. Kelp wrapped around the hull, shooting them forward and vines stretched out, curling around the coast and wrenching the ship after them. Ivy steered using the wheel, and apparently her telepathic communication with plants, because she never said a word, just smiled broadly as the ship sped through the water, outdistancing Crane's which still managed to keep a good pace with them.

"Hang on!" shouted Ivy, turning the wheel sharply as they were catapulted around a corner of the island. The sudden burst of speed shot them even further ahead. Harleen managed to grab onto the rigging to keep her feet, the breath almost knocked from her body. She had never felt such a rush, not only of speed, but from her own senses – her heart was racing at the adrenaline and she almost felt like she was flying over the water. She laughed loudly, clinging onto the rigging as the sea breeze kissed her face. She felt free and happy and almost invincible now that she was truly living.

The vines swung them back into port about five minutes ahead of Crane, who just glared at her. "I'm going to get a drink," he announced, climbing off his ship and heading for the tavern.

"For you and everyone else!" laughed Two-Face, clapping him on the back. "Congratulations, Pam," he said, as she and Harleen disembarked.

"It was nothing, Harvey," replied Ivy, shrugging. "Women are better than men at most things. And a real woman always finishes first," she added, smiling at him. "As you well know."

They all entered _The Asylum _to see it even more packed than usual – a huge crowd were gathered and lined up in front of a table, behind which sat the Joker.

"Losers, how did it go?" he laughed, noticing them. "Which one of you was the biggest loser of all?"

Crane said nothing but went to buy a round of drinks. "That answers my question!" chuckled Joker as the others joined him at his table.

"Whatcha doing, Cap'n J?" asked Harleen, sitting down next to him.

"Signing up men for my crew," he said.

"How can we get a crew if we ain't got a ship yet?" she asked. "And how are you gonna afford a ship? And how are you gonna…"

He cut her off with a kiss. "I'm a pirate, remember?" he murmured, grinning. "I'll find a way. Now c'mere," he said, pulling her onto his lap. "I've changed my mind – I'm betting when the guys see you, turnout's gonna double."

He was right. Within the next twenty minutes he had a crew big enough to operate a galleon. And he was right not to worry about getting the money to afford a ship either. The Joker was a man who made his own opportunities, and a tavern full of pirates was too good an opportunity to pass up.

It all started with a word in Crane's ear, who had decided to drown his sorrows in drink and was now hopelessly plastered. "Y'know what I heard, Johnny," said Joker, casually. "I heard Harvey say you were the most pathetic man who ever lived, losing to a woman like that. And also not a real pirate."

"Jonathan, no…" began Tetch, trying to stop him, but Crane had already stood up and stormed over to Two-Face, who was flirting with Poison Ivy in a corner. Crane punched him suddenly in the back of the head.

"I _am _a real pirate!" he roared.

"What the hell…" began Two-Face, but Crane swung at him again. Two-Face dodged this blow, punching out at Crane, who suddenly lost his balance because of the alcohol and fell to the ground. Two-Face's punch hit Tetch instead, who fell backward into a table full of pirates, scattering their poker game everywhere. The other pirates rose slowly to their feet, glaring at Two-Face.

And then a full-scale tavern brawl ensued, with everyone hitting, punching, kicking, and even biting indiscriminately. Bottles were smashed and stabbed at people, guns were fired, Ivy's plants joined in, and in the midst of the chaos, Joker grabbed Harleen's arm, pulling her over to the bar.

Miss Leland, the landlady, had grabbed her musket she kept behind the bar and was now firing it out into the crowd, joining the fray to try to break up the fight. Joker used her distraction to duck behind the bar and grab the chests of gold she used to keep her money in.

"Go!" he hissed at Harleen, and they raced toward the door, escaping the chaos and hurrying off into the night.

Harleen giggled uncontrollably, her heart racing – she had never had so much fun in her life as she had in the past twenty-four hours. "That was a great plan, Cap'n J, but I hope the boys and Ivy will be ok. We need 'em to beat the Bat."

"They will," he said, shrugging. "A few cuts and bruises and hangovers never hurt anyone."

"And where are we gonna sleep now?" she asked.

"Anywhere we want," he said. "We're free, remember? We can sleep out on the beach, under the stars."

"Won't we get cold?" she asked.

He chuckled. "Nah uh. I got a way to warm us up," he murmured, nuzzling her cheek. "You ever made love out on the beach, under the stars?"

She grinned, kissing him. They were snuggled up together on the beach later, listening to the waves and watching the sky when Harleen murmured, "What do you think about the name Harley Quinn for me, Cap'n J?"

"You mean like for a pirate name?" he asked. "I like it. Harley Quinn, the Joker's partner-in-crime. Got kinda a nice ring to it."

"I think so too," she agreed. "So I can keep it?"

He smiled, stroking her hair back. "Kid, I ain't gonna tell you what you can and can't do no more. You're free, remember? Like me."

"Sorry. I'm still not used to it yet," she murmured, kissing him and curling up against him. "Goodnight, puddin'."

He was silent. "What did you call me?" he asked, slowly.

"Puddin'," she replied. "You said you wanted me to call you something more personal…"

"You can't call a pirate puddin'!" he snapped. "Never call me that again!"

"I thought you said you couldn't tell me what I can and can't do no more," she protested.

"I can when it comes to stupid nicknames like that!" he retorted.

"So I ain't free," retorted Harleen. "It's just like Ivy said – you're keeping me trapped in female slavery…"

"I am not, I'm just telling you not to call me puddin'!" he snapped. "Anyway…doncha like being my slave, baby?"

Harleen grinned at him, and nodded. "More than I'd ever love being a wife," she whispered.

He kissed her deeply, enveloping her in his arms and pressing her down on the sand. Harleen gazed up at the stars above and then shut her eyes. Her heaven was right here.


	15. Chapter 15

"What on earth is that noise?" asked Tetch the next morning, rubbing his jaw as he, Crane, Ivy, and Two-Face headed back to the docks.

"I don't know – I can't hear anything but the thudding in my skull," muttered Crane, massaging his temples.

"Maybe if you hadn't started a fight last night, none of us would be hurting this morning," growled Two-Face, nursing a sprained arm.

"I told you, Joker told me you insulted me!" snapped Crane.

"And why would you trust a word that lunatic says?!" demanded Two-Face.

"Because I was drunk!" Crane snapped. "If I hadn't been, I would have known it was just one of his stupid jokes! Although frankly I fail to see the funny side."

"You and me both," agreed Ivy, glaring through a black eye. "He's just lucky Harvey talked me out of making my babies rip Joker apart from the inside. But apparently he'll be useful in the fight against Batman."

"Honestly, that clanging! It's like the Queen of Hearts constantly bellowing 'Off with their heads!'" exclaimed Tetch. "Which is from something…"

"That hasn't been written yet, yeah, we know," muttered Two-Face as they arrived on the dock. The noise, as it turned out, was coming from a ship, freshly painted with the name _The Ace of Knaves_ written on the prow. And on the deck, Joker was teaching Harley some basic sword-fighting.

"Cross, parry, thrust, again! Cross, parry, thrust – you got it! Jesus, kid, you're a natural at this!"

"I have a good teacher," replied Harley, beaming at him. She lunged forward and he blocked her, seizing her around the waist and spinning her into his arms.

"You're dead," he said, grinning as he held his blade against her throat and kissed her neck. Harley giggled, planting a kiss on his lips.

"You're reprieved!" he chuckled, swinging her out of his arms. "C'mon, again!"

"Morning, J," growled Two-Face.

"Harvey! Boys! And plant thing!" Joker said, beaming at them. "C'mere, just watch her, ain't she great?" he asked, nodding at Harley. "This gal can handle a sword! And I don't mean that in a sexual way, but same goes!" he chuckled.

"I've always wanted to learn fencing, but Mother said it was a very unladylike pursuit," said Harley. "So I learned embroidery instead, but I was terrible at that."

"Well, you are sensational at this!" chuckled Joker. "Look at her! Watch this! Watch! You girls definitely need to watch this – puts you to shame," he added, nodding at Tetch and Crane. "And of course I meant girls in its most positive sense, Weed Lady, rather than an insult," he added, as Ivy glared at him.

"Yeah, great, J – we've all seen good swordsmanship before," retorted Two-Face. "Anyway, most of us aren't in the best shape or mood after last night, so can we just get down to business?"

"Wait a minute, how have you afforded a new ship?" demanded Crane suddenly. "When I picked you up, you had literally just the clothes on your back!"

"Real pirates find a way, Johnny," replied Joker, grinning at him. "How's the head this morning?"

"Fine," growled Crane.

"Good, because I wanna talk to you about making a weapon for me for this fight," said Joker, lowering the gangplank. "Everybody come on board!"

"What weapon?" asked Crane. "If it's mechanical technology you want, you're better off asking Jervis…"

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm sure he can design something we can all use, but I want this stuff to be a little more personal. My signature, if you will, so that everyone will know they're being plundered by the Joker."

"What are you talking about?" demanded Crane.

"I'm talking about this," said Joker, tapping his sword against the vials on Crane's chest. "Except I want my gas to be laughing."

"That does sound…rather intriguing," admitted Crane.

"Yeah, you come up with all sorts of great ideas after a little sex on the beach! And I ain't talking about the cocktail," he chuckled. "You should try it sometime, Johnny. Take the boyfriend for a romantic stroll and see where it goes," he said, winking.

"All right, I'm not helping you," retorted Crane.

"Aw, c'mon, Johnny! In the interests of science!" said Joker. "A pioneer of scientific exploration such as yourself can't resist the idea of inventing a new, terrifying toxin and testing its results on the citizens of Gotham, all in the interests of progress, can you?"

Crane glared at him. "Fine, damn you," he muttered. "I'll see what I can come up with."

"Good!" said Joker, clapping him on the back. "And Tetchy, you know Riddler had some rapid firing guns and cannons? Do you think you could make up some of those?"

Tetch snorted. "Yes, their production should be exceedingly simple. Riddler was not the brightest mind out there – anything he can do, I can do better."

"I hope that don't include hanging!" chuckled Joker. "But I guess we'll see if we lose to Batman, won't we? Now, Harvey and Weed Lady, we need to talk strategy. We need to draw Batman out, and then isolate him."

"J, if there's one thing Pam and me can do, it's cause unnecessary violence and terror," retorted Two-Face. "We attack Gotham, all of us at once, and the Bat's gonna have to come meet us. When he does, we take him down. All of us, together. Nobody, and I mean nobody, confronts him alone, because if we attack him one at a time, he'll win. But he won't win if we all work together and combine our strengths. He can't take us all down at once."

"Sounds like a challenge to me, Harvey!" laughed Joker.

"It's not a joke, J," retorted Two-Face. "I'm deadly serious about all this. We are all here together for one purpose. Let's not blow our one chance by screwing up, or some of us might not have a second chance. Maybe all of us," he muttered.

"And…what's my role, puddin'?" asked Harley suddenly.

They all looked at her. "Your role is to stay in the cabin out of harm's way," said Joker, firmly.

"But I wanna help!" exclaimed Harley.

"Harley, as impressive as your natural swordsmanship is, you're not trained enough to take a guy like Batman on," replied Joker. "And I don't wanna see you hurt."

"You think I can bear to see you hurt, Cap'n J?" she asked. "Or any of you? You're my friends. I want to help my friends."

"Harley, I appreciate the thought, but I agree with J," said Two-Face, firmly. "You should stay safely out of this."

"Yes, my dear – the Batman is not likely to have any consideration for a lady," said Crane. "He'll hurt her as indiscriminately as he does a man."

"Perhaps in this case, the snail is wise to not join in the dance," agreed Tetch.

Harley looked around at her opponents. "Ivy?" she asked at last.

Ivy said nothing. "While as a woman, I believe you should be treated as an equal member of this expedition, as your friend…I would rather you played it safe and stayed out of the battle. We can handle it."

"But I thought I was free to make my own choices…" began Harley.

"You are," interrupted Ivy. "But just because you can choose to help us doesn't mean you should. You're free to do whatever you want, but that doesn't mean you should be foolish about things. And it's wiser for you to abstain from this fight."

Harley nodded slowly. "I can see I have no choice," she muttered. "I will sail with you all, but I will…stay in Cap'n J's cabin."

"That's my girl!" said Joker, kissing her. "So nerds, start inventing. And the rest of you follow me to my cabin – we'll have a look at the map and figure out where to lure Batsy…"

Harley followed them below deck, sheathing her sword. Her face betrayed no expression, but inwardly she was seething. She had been told what to do her whole life, and she was not about to be told what to do now. Whether any of them liked it or not, she was taking part in the attack on Batman.


	16. Chapter 16

Harley stirred in Joker's arms when she heard the ship's bell. "Mmm, we're there already?" she murmured, sleepily.

"Seems so," he replied, about to stand up. She pulled him back down on the bed again.

"Stay," she murmured, snuggling into his arms again. "For just five more minutes."

"I should get out on deck, Harl…" he began.

"What if something happens to you in the battle?" she whispered, gazing up at him. "Won't you regret not spending five more minutes with your girl?"

"Harley, for the last time, nothing is going to happen to me," he said, soothingly. "There's no way the Batman can win with all of us together like this."

"Maybe not," she agreed. "But you could still get hurt fighting him. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you now…"

"Hey, hey, hey, why the long face, sweets?" he interrupted. "And are those tears?"

"No," she muttered, wiping her eyes. "But I just…can't help worrying…"

He sighed, climbing back into bed and curling up around her. "Five more minutes," he said. "I guess that won't make a difference."

"I just wish you'd let me help you, Cap'n J," she murmured. "I'd feel better if we were fighting together…"

"And what if I lost you, huh?" he asked. "How would I smile then? And of the two of us, you're the more inexperienced, and likely to get hurt."

"But the Batman doesn't know I'm on your side," said Harley. "I could play the innocent victim, lure him in, and then take him off guard…"

"Have you ever killed a man before?" he interrupted.

"You know I haven't," she snapped.

"So what makes you think you could just kill the Batman?" he demanded. "You used to think he was dreamy, don't forget."

"You think I couldn't kill anyone who tries to hurt you?" she asked.

"It's different when you got a sword in your hand, trust me," he murmured. "The first time you cut a blade through warm flesh and hard bone…it takes a certain type of person to do that. And you ain't that crazy yet."

"I'm crazy about you," she whispered.

He grinned, kissing her. "Just stay in here, sweetheart, please," he whispered. "I'll bring you back the Batman's bloody cowl as a prize, how about that?"

"The only prize I want is you to come back safely to me," she whispered.

He kissed her again. "You got it," he said, firmly. "Now do I have your permission to leave and go fight the Batman?"

She nodded, releasing him reluctantly. "Anyway, I can't wait to try out my new toxin on the citizens of Gotham!" chuckled Joker, dressing in a new, long purple coat and his usual long, green wig. He added a few vials of a strange, green liquid to his weapons' belt. "Johnny said it's gonna make 'em die laughing!"

"Are they still here?" asked Harley, dressing and then heading over to the window. In the darkness, she could make out the shape of three other ships accompanying theirs.

"They're not gonna bail on this, Harley!" chuckled Joker. "I may not trust pirates for much, but I trust 'em to wanna take part in a good fight! Except the two nerds, of course, who aren't real pirates, but even they'll wanna show off all their fancy inventions."

Harley nodded. "Well, you'd better…get on deck and lead the attack. I can see Gotham's lights from here."

It was strange to see the familiar sight of her hometown – so much had changed since she had been taken from it that she felt almost like a completely different person. She shuddered at the thought of going back to the person she had been before, the powerless, proper individual who was a product of other people's ethics and ideas.

"You cold?" asked Joker, noticing her shiver.

"No," she murmured, turning to smile at him. "But I bet you'd give me your coat if I was."

"Not this one, baby – it's brand new!" he chuckled, kissing her cheek. "And I gotta be wearing my Sunday best for Batsy! But I'll give you something to keep you warm while I'm away," he murmured, kissing her passionately.

She slid her arms around his neck, pulling him close. "Go get him, my dashing pirate captain," she whispered, beaming. "And be careful."

They heard the sound of a cannon firing, shelling the town. "Aw, sounds like Harvey's started the party without me!" exclaimed Joker, racing for the door. "See you later, toots!"

He shut the door to the cabin firmly and Harley took up a position by the window, watching the city light up with cannon fire. She heard the thunder of the explosions, and then something else, a kind of wild, howling laughter coming from the city. That would be Cap'n J's toxin, thought Harley with a satisfied smile. She saw the clouds of green gas coming from the city and wondered how long it would be before the Batman sailed out to defend his home from the four-way attack.

Not long, as it turned out. She saw the vague outline of a ship sailing out of the harbor, the same ship she had seen the night she thought she would be rescued, with the same black bat flag. But this time she was filled with a kind of apprehensive dread, rather than joy. She hoped Cap'n J and the others would be all right.

True to plan, all four of the rogues' ships immediately turned and fled from the town, heading off in different directions, forcing the Batman to pick one to pursue. Just their luck that he chose the Joker's ship, thought Harley with a grim smile, as the Batman's ship stayed on their tail. She could hear Cap'n J shouting from the deck, ordering the crew to go faster, to start rowing to supplement the sails. They had to outrun him for now or they'd be dead in the water before they could spring the trap.

Batman's ship suddenly let off a volley of cannon, and Harley grabbed ahold of the bed to catch her balance as the ship rocked. Joker obviously decided they had no choice but to stand and fight, and she felt the ship turning parallel to the Batman's. The Joker's ship drilled it with a broadside of cannons, and then Harley heard more cannon-fire coming from the other side of Batman's ship. Rapidly repeating cannon-fire – Johnny had arrived with his repeating guns, and their two ships had caught the Batman between them.

She saw a tendril of plant vine from the starboard side suddenly snake along the hull of the Batman's ship, sneaking into the portholes and plugging up the cannons. And then another bang from the port side drew her attention to Two-Face's ship, which sent a chain-shot sailing into Batman's ship, shearing the mast in half and depriving the Batman of any type of movement from his sails. He was completely trapped now, and completely surrounded on all sides.

Then she heard the roar of the crews and the clanging of swords from above – they had been boarded. Batman had obviously swung across from his ship in the hopes of taking theirs. She had no doubt the other four captains would be swinging over too to engage him, which meant that the battle was taking place right above her. And she was not going to miss out on that, no matter what.

She grabbed her sword and flung open the door to the cabin. The deck was chaos – pirate crews from all ships fought against the Batman's crew, who were vastly outnumbered, but their desperation made them dangerous. Her eyes roved the scene, and she caught sight of Ivy summoning plants up to choke random men, while Two-Face had both his blunderbusses blazing.

Crane and Tetch had brought Crane's ship up beside Joker's, and were taking care of any of the crew who tried to escape over the side by exposing them to fear gas. Crane was applying the gas while Tetch took notes beside him, the former looking absolutely elated at being able to test his invention on such a personal level. "Make a note that while most men flee screaming over the side, Jervis, this one chose to stay on board and die of fright here! He must have a water phobia! How very fascinating!"

And then Harley saw the Joker, locked in single combat with the Batman up on the top deck. She heard the clang and saw the flash of their swords as they stared each other down, the Batman glaring in fury and the Joker beaming at him. They were just about a match for each other's skill level, and their swords were a blur as they parried and thrusted across the deck.

Harley was determined to get to him, no matter who was in her way. She took a deep breath and then lashed out at the nearest of the Batman's crew, taking him off guard and dispatching him with a few blows.

"Guess I _am_ that crazy after all, Cap'n J," she muttered, wiping the blood from her cheek. She hacked her way along the deck, trying to reach the stairs leading to the top deck.

And she did, just as Batman knocked the sword from Joker's hand by slashing him across the arm. He gasped, dropping his sword, and Batman held the tip of the blade to his throat. "You surrender to me, you scum!" he hissed. "And come back to Gotham to hang for your crimes!"

"Aw, thanks for the offer, Batsy, but I got this fear of heights, y'see," chuckled Joker. "Don't think hanging would suit me!"

"I do not take human lives myself," retorted Batman. "But you will face justice one way or another, Joker."

"I don't think so, Batsy!" laughed Joker, noticing Harley behind him and grinning. Harley shrieked, slashing her blade down Batman's shoulder. He whirled around, crying in pain, while Joker grabbed his own sword, using his other hand. "And that's Captain Joker to you!" he laughed.

"Miss Quinzel…what are you doing?" Batman gasped, clutching his shoulder and gazing at her in surprise.

"I ain't Miss Quinzel no more!" hissed Harley. "I'm Harley Quinn, the Joker's lover!"

She lunged forward with her sword, but Batman blocked it, and then kicked her backward. Harley fell back, tripping on the steps and falling on deck with a gasp. She looked up to see Batman and Joker resume their duel – their wounds made them equally matched again.

She tried to catch her breath, hissing in pain and looking around. And then she suddenly saw another ship appear out of the distance. Another ship with a black flag…with a cat skull on it.

"Oh no," she gasped, as Catwoman's ship began firing on them, running up against them and boarding them. The sight of her and her reinforcements caused Batman's crew to rally, and soon the tide had turned. Harley suddenly saw a man approach from behind Ivy with a sword raised. "Ivy, look out!" she screamed.

Ivy turned just in time and managed to block the blow, her plants wrapping around the man's throat and dragging him to the ground, but not before he struck her a blow to the leg on his way down. Ivy fell with a cry of pain, and Two-Face's attention was immediately arrested.

"Pammie!" he shouted, racing over to see to her.

"It's fine – it's not deep," she gasped as he gathered her in his arms. "Don't be distracted by me…watch out for…"

But her words came too late, as another of Batman's crew sliced Two-Face across his face, fortunately the bad side. Two-Face roared in pain, and then stabbed the man in the heart.

"Christ, Harvey, are you ok?" gasped Ivy, trying to stem the flow of blood from his cheek.

"I've had worse," he replied, managing a smile.

They were suddenly surrounded by Catwoman and her crew, all pointing swords at them. "Some plants could be helpful right now, Pammie," whispered Two-Face.

"I can't…concentrate!" she gasped, clutching her leg. "It hurts too much…"

"Told you you'd all get your asses kicked, Harvey," purred Catwoman, grinning at him. "You wanna surrender to me, or should I just dispatch you here and now?"

Two-Face and Ivy shared a look. "You wanna…go down fighting?" whispered Two-Face.

She shook her head slowly. "I can't bear to watch you die, Harvey," she whispered, tears in her eyes.

He smiled, and then nodded slowly. "We surrender," he murmured, and then shared a kiss with Ivy. A kiss that was broken as they were both dragged apart and put in handcuffs, and thrown next to Crane and Tetch, who had both already been arrested.

"But…but we're not even real pirates!" protested Crane as Batman's and Catwoman's crew chained the four of them together against the mast.

Harley had managed to struggle to her feet, clawing her way back up the stairs to the top deck. The Joker was flagging, and Batman could see that – he suddenly kicked him back against the helm, knocking the breath from his body, and then smashed his sword over his head. The Joker fell, winded, to the ground, as Batman pointed his sword at his throat. "I don't usually take human life!" he hissed. "But I can only imagine what you've done to Miss Quinzel, and for that I'll make an exception! It'll spare you from the gallows, anyway," he hissed, pulling his sword back to stab it into Joker's heart.

"No!" screamed Harley, throwing herself in front of him. She clung to the Joker, glaring up at Batman through tear-stained eyes. "No, you will not hurt him! I won't let you!"

"Miss Quinzel, he's a vile man, and a pirate, who deserves to die…" began Batman.

"No!" she shrieked. "No! Don't you understand?" she gasped, burying her face in his chest. "I love him!"

Batman just looked at her. "I don't know what he's done to you," he hissed. "But I swear I will make him pay for it, Miss Quinzel. I will make him pay for corrupting your body and your mind, I promise you."

He cuffed Joker's hands behind his back, securing him to the wheel, and then went to handle the remnants of the pirates' crew. Harley held onto Joker tightly, tears streaming down her face, and she felt him kiss the top of her head.

"I'm sorry, kiddo," he whispered. "It wasn't supposed to go like this. It was supposed to be a glorious victory for the bad guys. But I guess…that's just wishful thinking!" he chuckled.

Harley continued to cry silently. "I'm not going to let them hang you," she whispered. "I'm going to save you. All of you."

"How?" he asked.

She looked up at him. "Trust me," she murmured. "And know that whatever I say or do, I love you."

She kissed him tenderly and then stood up, heading over to where Batman was securing the remainder of the crew to the mast that held the other pirate captains, with Catwoman's help.

"Batman," she whispered. He turned. "What…what I said to you before…about…about loving the Joker…well…that was a lie. I just…he confused me, you see, about so many things, and he made me do…such horrible things…that the only way I could live with what he did to me was to pretend I had lost my mind!"

She burst into tears, sobbing. "I…I hate him! I hate them all for what they did to me, what they forced me to do, become one of their foul, evil pirate crew, trying to make my heart as black as the rest of them! But you…you've saved me, Batman! How can I ever thank you?" she whispered, throwing herself into his arms.

He stroked her hair gently. "I suspected you had been brainwashed against your will, Miss Quinzel," he murmured. "A woman like you couldn't have just abandoned all morality and sense and reason, after all. But don't worry. You're safe now. And you will see them all pay for their crimes."

"Harley, what are you saying?" gasped Crane.

"Harley…" began Ivy, heartbroken.

"Shut up, scum!" she shrieked. "Just shut up! Your poisonous words have already forced me to dress like this, and kill, and…" She broke off sobbing. "Please take me home, Batman," she whispered. "I want to go home."

He nodded firmly. "And so you shall, Miss Quinzel. And I promise you, you will see each and every one of them hang. Come along," he said, leading her away from the ship.

Harley glanced back at the others, begging them with her eyes to trust her. And then she glanced up at the Joker, who gazed back at her with a tender smile. Her resolution hardened, and she made a vow that whatever else happened, she would not let them hang.


	17. Chapter 17

It was another scorching hot day as the crowd gathered for the public hanging in Gotham City. It was a particularly exciting event, as this hanging would include five pirate captains, all to be hanged separately, of course, so that they could all hear the entire list of each of their individual crimes.

"Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen – whose neck will break and who will get to do the hangman's jig? We've got a lady this time, don't forget – chances are we'll see some squirming!" called one of several odious men who were taking bets from the crowd on who would take the longest to die.

"The Devil can't save that warlock Crane from the hangman's noose twice!" exclaimed a man to his wife. "He'll finally be sent back to hell where he belongs!"

It was quite a spectacle for Gotham City, and everyone had turned out for the occasion – children sat on the shoulders of their parents to witness the fate of piracy. And from a private box, shielded from the sun, stood Harleen Quinzel on the arm of Bruce Wayne, back in her corset and dress, fanning herself carefully as she kept her eyes fixed on the gallows set up in the square.

And then the pirates were paraded out in chains, and everyone booed and jeered them, some spitting and throwing rotten fruit at them. The guards held back the other four captains as they dragged the Joker up the steps to the gallows, his hands tied behind his back, and placed the noose over his head. They then began to read the charges.

"The nefarious pirate known as Captain Joker, the smiling scourge of the seven seas…"

"Oooh, I like that!" chuckled Joker. "Smiling scourge of the seven seas…maybe that'll be the name of my next ship!"

"…has been found guilty of piracy, murder, kidnapping, conspiracy, sexual violation of a lady against her will…"

The charges kept being read, and Joker's eyes flicked to Harleen's, who just looked back at him coolly. He smiled at her, and then sighed. "God, this is taking all day!" he exclaimed. "The whole list of my crimes is gonna take hours – we get it, I've done a lotta bad stuff! Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies – bad guys don't win! We don't sail off into the sunset…and we don't get the girl," he added, glancing at Harleen again. "Though that would be…quite the joke!" he chuckled. "So just put me outta my misery already, c'mon! This routine's getting old, and it wasn't that funny to begin with!"

The guard nodded, rolling the sheet back up and nodding at the hangman, who tightened the noose around Joker's neck and then headed over to the lever which released the trapdoor. "May God have mercy on your soul," murmured the priest, crossing himself.

"Doubtful, but thanks for the good wishes, pal!" said Joker, beaming at him.

The hangman's hand curled around the lever and was about to pull it…

Until he was suddenly shot dead with a bullet to the brain. Everyone screamed and panicked instantly, looking around for the killer, while Harleen Quinzel stood calmly in her box, holding a smoking revolver.

Then she reached under her skirt, unsheathing the sword strapped to her leg next to where the revolver had been concealed. "All right, nobody move!" she shrieked. "That includes you, Mr. Wayne – don't make me ruin your attractive face by shooting a bullet through it," she growled, holding the gun to Bruce's temple as she felt him tense up for action next to her.

"Miss Quinzel, what are you doing?" he demanded.

"Saving these people!" she snapped. "And I would warn you not to interfere! Anyone who does so will be cut down!" she shrieked, addressing the crowd and brandishing her sword as she stormed over to the scaffold and cut the noose from Joker's neck.

"Miss Quinzel, if you do not back away now, you will be shot, along with the prisoner!" snapped one of the guards, as they all raised rifles at her. "Don't throw your life away on this madness!"

Harley grinned at the Joker. "There's nothing I'd rather do," she whispered, enveloping his mouth in a kiss.

Then she knocked the lever with her sword, releasing the trapdoor and sending them plummeting to the ground just as the guards fired. "Get the others and run!" she gasped, as both she and Joker struggled to their feet and she shoved the revolver into his hands. "There's a ship waiting at the dock! I already freed Rocco, Jerry, and the rest, and they're manning it!"

"What about you?" he asked.

"I'll be right behind you," she whispered. "Go!"

He nodded, kissing her again and then racing over to free the others. He shot the chains off, and any guards he could. Harley was close behind him, pausing only to throw down a vial of green toxin and then race off. A vial of green toxin that scattered the crowd, and left the few unfortunates remaining writhing on the ground dying of laughter. By the time the smoke had cleared, the pirates were gone.

"Mr. Wayne, do something!" cried Mr. Quinzel, as his wife sobbed into his shoulder. "Those fiends have abducted our daughter!"

"Weren't you watching, Mr. Quinzel?" demanded Bruce. "She went with them voluntarily. That makes her one of them."

"Sir, why didn't you stop them?" whispered his butler Alfred, as Bruce watched the pirate ship hastily departing from the docks.

"And reveal my identity to everyone there?" he demanded. "The whole of Gotham City? No, Alfred. Miss Quinzel may have foiled justice this time, but they can't outrun it forever. Or the Batman," he muttered, glaring at the ship disappearing on the horizon. "We will meet again."

…

There was a celebration on the ship, as Harley was cheered and embraced by everyone there. "Cutting it kinda close there, Harley, but you came through!" exclaimed Two-Face, hugging her. "I swear you had us all guessing whether it had all been an act for a moment there!"

"C'mon, Harvey, I ain't that good an actress!" laughed Harley.

"I am glad you decided to stay in Wonderland, Miss Quinzel," murmured Tetch, smiling as he hugged her. "I think you will find a happier home among the mad. Because we are all mad here. That's from something…"

"That hasn't been written yet, I know," said Harley, hugging him back and smiling. "Thanks, Jervis."

"Miss Quinzel, we once again owe you our lives," said Crane, kneeling down in front of her. "Our debt will never be repaid since we owe it to you a hundred times over, but I cannot think of a single person I'd rather be more indebted to…"

"Can the crazy talk, Johnny!" interrupted Ivy, hugging Harley fiercely. She drew away, grinning at her. "Thank you, my sister," she whispered.

Harley nodded, beaming at her. "You don't owe me anything, Johnny," she said, smiling at Crane. "I owe all of you. For helping me see who I truly am…and how wonderful life can be if we dare to live it."

She glanced up at the top deck, where the Joker stood at the helm, steering the ship toward the horizon. "If you'll…excuse me," she said, heading up the stairs.

"You look like you're thinking pretty hard," she commented, seeing his wild, deep eyes fixed on the distance.

"I was just thinking how crazy life can be sometimes," he said. "You wake up in the morning thinking it's all over, and by sunset your life once again lies before you. All thanks to one helluva dame," he said, grinning at her.

"I told you I wouldn't let you die," she replied, coming up behind him and draping her arms around his neck. "Did you think I was joking?"

He shook his head. "No. But I just had a lotta time to think in that cell, about you and me and us. And that's crazy too, y'know – a proper lady like you and a guy like me. A pirate, the smiling scourge of the seven seas, which is a title I'm keeping by the way," he added, grinning. "It just doesn't make a lotta sense for us to wanna be together. For you to throw away your life and exchange it for the life of a pirate, full of danger on the high seas, and unpredictable days…"

"I like unpredictable," she murmured. "And dangerous. And it may be crazy, but that's how you know it's right, huh?" she asked, kissing his cheek.

He grinned. "That's right, sweets," he said, kissing her. "Now you better change outta that corset before you suffocate. I'm sure one of the boys can loan you a shirt until we get someplace where we can get you your own."

"And where will that be?" she asked. "Where are we headed, Cap'n J?"

He smiled at her. "We're headed for adventure," he murmured. "And I'm glad you're by my side for it, Harley Quinn."

"Always, Cap'n J," she whispered. "Always."

**The End**


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